I’ve been scared of today since February. Today was the day that I might’ve given birth, the due date of our child. And then in February, when that was all taken away, I knew that today would be hard. Tough. Perhaps unmanageable.
I can’t think of a word to describe how I feel in it’s totality. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Terrified. Lonely. And one of the worst, even though I know there’s no justification in it: I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I failed. Failure. Failed my child when it needed me the most. I failed because for almost 2 whole weeks I didn’t know anything was wrong…and what kind of mother doesn’t know when her baby is sick?
There are so many times that I think and people will say that maybe this is how it was supposed to be, that the child would have had a hard, terrible shell of a life. But when it comes down to it I loved (and still do love) that baby with reckless abandon, I sang to it every day, prayed for it at all times, and had hopes and dreams that far surpassed anything I’ve ever had for myself. So even though I know that there is truth in the “this is how it was supposed to be” statement, it only brings more pain. As though our love for our baby wasn’t enough.
Besides knowing that God is loving our baby better than we ever have, there are only 2 things that really brings me comfort: being held by my husband and wearing the ring that he got for me to commemorate our baby’s life. It was real, it was loved, it was cherished, and I can always hold it close to me, if only in my dreams.
As for today? Today I’ll probably cry nonstop. Today I’ll have puffy eyes. Today I’ll likely be moody and tired and not very fun. Because today I will constantly think about what might have been. But I will be OK – I will always have our baby with me, ring or no ring, and regardless of the outcome that is the biggest blessing of all.