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Heather's Dish

Heather's Dish

Today Would Have Been the Day

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I’ve been scared of today since February.  Today was the day that I might’ve given birth, the due date of our child.  And then in February, when that was all taken away, I knew that today would be hard.  Tough.  Perhaps unmanageable.

 

I can’t think of a word to describe how I feel in it’s totality.  Heartbroken.  Angry.  Hurt.  Terrified.  Lonely.  And one of the worst, even though I know there’s no justification in it:  I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I failed.  Failure.  Failed my child when it needed me the most.  I failed because for almost 2 whole weeks I didn’t know anything was wrong…and what kind of mother doesn’t know when her baby is sick?

 

There are so many times that I think and people will say that maybe this is how it was supposed to be, that the child would have had a hard, terrible shell of a life.  But when it comes down to it I loved (and still do love) that baby with reckless abandon, I sang to it every day, prayed for it at all times, and had hopes and dreams that far surpassed anything I’ve ever had for myself.  So even though I know that there is truth in the “this is how it was supposed to be” statement, it only brings more pain.  As though our love for our baby wasn’t enough.

 

Besides knowing that God is loving our baby better than we ever have, there are only 2 things that really brings me comfort:  being held by my husband and wearing the ring that he got for me to commemorate our baby’s life.  It was real, it was loved, it was cherished, and I can always hold it close to me, if only in my dreams.

 

As for today?  Today I’ll probably cry nonstop.  Today I’ll have puffy eyes.  Today I’ll likely be moody and tired and not very fun.  Because today I will constantly think about what might have been.  But I will be OK – I will always have our baby with me, ring or no ring, and regardless of the outcome that is the biggest blessing of all.

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Comments

  1. janetha says

    September 13, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    <3

    Reply
  2. Lucy says

    September 12, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Dec. 21st was my first missed due date. I asked the nurse not to tell me the 2nd time around. I didn’t know the third time, either. #4 was the one I got to bring home. Giving a child, born or unborn, back to God is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life. Keep the faith – God will honor the desires of your heart.

    Reply
  3. Marykate says

    September 10, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Heather,

    Like Carolyn (above) I suffered a very early term miscarriage. The pregnancy wasn’t at all planned, but had that baby been carried to term, it wouldn’t have been at all unwanted.

    I can’t know what it felt like for you. I know that your loss was tremendous, especially considering that you were very close to having a baby…I never was, but I felt the same sort of sadness all of last month. I didn’t realize until mid-month that, had things worked out differently, I might be bringing a baby home.

    I can’t help but wonder “what if” from time to time. I think of how my life would be right now.

    My heart goes out to your and I pray that you find the grace and strength to go forward.

    xoxo

    Marykate

    Reply
  4. Carolyn says

    September 9, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Miscarriage is very hard, and nothing anyone says can take the pain away. I suffered a very early miscarriage between my first and second child, and even though I barely had time to enjoy being pregnant, i wanted that baby so badly. I will never ever forget the due date, October 17th.
    Here’s an odd twist though…my third child, who was completely unplanned, was also due on on October 17th. I found that very interesting, that the child that was tried for and lost and the child who wasn’t tried for but stuck around both had the same due dates.
    My heart is with you. And so are the hearts of the millions of other women who have suffered pregnancy loss.

    Reply
  5. R @ Learning As I Chop says

    September 9, 2011 at 8:16 am

    So sorry you had to experience this pain

    Reply
  6. Ashley says

    September 9, 2011 at 7:42 am

    Sending thoughts and love your way today Heather!

    Reply
  7. stacy says

    September 8, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing so publicly about something that so many feel stigma about. You are helping others cope with their own loss by sharing yours. Blessings to you and Nate.

    Reply
  8. Courtney says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Hugs to you!

    Reply
  9. Lindsey Morningstar says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    You are and will be an amazing mother, never doubt that. xoxox

    Reply
  10. Maria says

    September 8, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Thinking about you! Hugs and love! You are amazing!

    Reply
  11. Denise @ Creative Kitchen says

    September 8, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    You are in my prayers!!

    Reply
  12. sarah@spinach and spice says

    September 8, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Praying for you and your family. <3

    Reply
  13. Heather @ Bake, Run, Live says

    September 8, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hold your husband tight tonight.

    Reply
  14. Mama Pea says

    September 8, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    What a bittersweet post. Much love to you.

    Reply
  15. Katie @ cooklaughmove says

    September 8, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    My heart aches for your today. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing!

    Reply
  16. Donna says

    September 8, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    I just ache for you and your husband. I’m a grandma who lost a grandchild before birth. My consolation was in that the baby will always be in my heart, rather than in my arms.

    Reply
  17. Jenn B says

    September 8, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    I’m so sorry Heather. I’m sending you strong and comforting thoughts today. I know you’re devastated and I can only imagine how difficult it is to morn a baby. You will have so much love and strength and support for the family you do have, I’ll say some prayers that when you’re ready you have the family you deserve.

    Reply
  18. Delishhh says

    September 8, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Remember you are not alone – so many women have gone through this. The most exciting part you have to think about it that you got pregnant – you WILL again . . .!! Remember that and stay positive!! I know it is hard and thanks for sharing your awesome honest post but stay positive. . .

    Reply
  19. alex says

    September 8, 2011 at 10:02 am

    thinking of you today, thanks for sharing your honest feelings. you are strong.

    Reply
  20. Jessica @ Dairy Free Betty says

    September 8, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Sending you love today.

    Reply
  21. Jen of My Tiny Oven says

    September 8, 2011 at 9:40 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. My sister is going throug the same thing and it breaks my heart.
    HUGS!

    Reply
  22. Cynthia says

    September 8, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Thinking of you and Nate and sending big hugs and prayers your way <3

    Reply
  23. Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun says

    September 8, 2011 at 9:05 am

    No wonder I got an overwhelming urge to pray for you this morning! I love you and I’m here for you. HUGS and PRAYERS!

    Reply
  24. Urban Wife says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:59 am

    You guys are in my prayers today. God is greater than our minds can ever comprehend. Hugs.

    Reply
  25. Kristina @ spabettie says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:58 am

    <3

    Reply
  26. Ashley says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Thinking of you my dear. You will get through today! Hugs!

    Reply
  27. Estela @ Weekly Bite says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Thinking of you!

    Reply
  28. Julie @SavvyEats says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:22 am

    I’ll be thinking of you all day today!

    Reply
  29. Merritt says

    September 8, 2011 at 8:13 am

    Heather – I cannot imagine the sadness and loss you must feel. But I do know it’s proof that you love that little one. Praying for you today.

    Reply
  30. rebecca says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:40 am

    thinking of you…… :'(

    love,
    rebecca

    Reply
  31. Lynne @ 365 Days of Baking says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Prayers and hugs being sent your way, Heather.

    Reply
  32. Robin Sue says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:11 am

    I lived (cried) through a day like this–August 7, 1998 was the due date of my baby that was never to be. I lost the baby in the 20th week of my pregnancy. I am so sorry. Saying prayers for you and your family Heather.

    Reply
  33. whitney says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:08 am

    Your strength is amazing. You guys will be blessed beyond belief…keep your chin up!

    Reply
  34. Therese says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:04 am

    I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine the loss. I’m praying for you! Remember Matthew 19:14.

    -Therese

    Reply
  35. brandi@BranAppetit says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:01 am

    Keeping you and your husband that precious little baby in my thoughts and prayers today

    Reply
  36. KC Quaretti says

    September 8, 2011 at 7:00 am

    Sweet loving Heather, I pray that you know you are not alone in your sadness. Sending you and your husband strength, peace and a ray of sunshine.

    Reply
  37. Alison @ Ingredients, Inc. says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:58 am

    Thinking of you

    Reply
  38. Ally's Sweet & Savory Eats says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:57 am

    I feel for you and know your pain. January 27th is that day for me. It was the day I was supposed to give birth to our first child. It ended in a miscarriage at 11 weeks. That day is still hard for me. We now have two beautiful children and feel extremely blessed. I will be thinking of you all day – hang in there!

    Have you read Heaven is for Real? That book brought a lot of comfort to me.

    Reply
  39. Anna @ Newlywed, Newly Veg says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:56 am

    Thinking about you, girl.

    Reply
  40. Mara @ what's for dinner? says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:45 am

    I’ll be thinking about you today, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling…but know you have lots of love coming your way 🙂

    Reply
  41. Cassie @ Bake Your Day says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:40 am

    Sending big hugs and lots of love and peaceful thoughts your way, Heather! I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel but I know that you are strong and your faith will see you through the pain that today brings. Stay strong and know that I, among many others, are praying for you! XOXO

    Reply
  42. Jessica @ How Sweet says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:38 am

    Love you!

    Reply
  43. Bethany @ More Fruit Please says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way today. Your baby was loved and knew it and that makes you the best mother in the world.

    Reply
  44. Sabrina says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:36 am

    Thinking of you today…

    Reply
  45. Robin @ Blommi says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:33 am

    I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  46. Julie @ Peanut Butter Fingers says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:33 am

    oh heather, this post makes my heart break for you. i hope you understand that you are in no way a failure. the sense of sadness you’re experiencing is what makes you whole. it’s what makes you full of love. it’s what makes you human.

    thinking of you and sending you lots of love today.

    Reply
  47. K says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Thinking of you today and will pray for healing.

    Reply
  48. Lauren at Keep It Sweet says

    September 8, 2011 at 6:27 am

    I’m thinking of your, Heather! Sending hugs your way.

    Reply

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