I’ve been scared of today since February. Today was the day that I might’ve given birth, the due date of our child. And then in February, when that was all taken away, I knew that today would be hard. Tough. Perhaps unmanageable.
I can’t think of a word to describe how I feel in it’s totality. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. Terrified. Lonely. And one of the worst, even though I know there’s no justification in it: I can’t shake the feeling that somehow I failed. Failure. Failed my child when it needed me the most. I failed because for almost 2 whole weeks I didn’t know anything was wrong…and what kind of mother doesn’t know when her baby is sick?
There are so many times that I think and people will say that maybe this is how it was supposed to be, that the child would have had a hard, terrible shell of a life. But when it comes down to it I loved (and still do love) that baby with reckless abandon, I sang to it every day, prayed for it at all times, and had hopes and dreams that far surpassed anything I’ve ever had for myself. So even though I know that there is truth in the “this is how it was supposed to be” statement, it only brings more pain. As though our love for our baby wasn’t enough.
Besides knowing that God is loving our baby better than we ever have, there are only 2 things that really brings me comfort: being held by my husband and wearing the ring that he got for me to commemorate our baby’s life. It was real, it was loved, it was cherished, and I can always hold it close to me, if only in my dreams.
As for today? Today I’ll probably cry nonstop. Today I’ll have puffy eyes. Today I’ll likely be moody and tired and not very fun. Because today I will constantly think about what might have been. But I will be OK – I will always have our baby with me, ring or no ring, and regardless of the outcome that is the biggest blessing of all.
<3
Dec. 21st was my first missed due date. I asked the nurse not to tell me the 2nd time around. I didn’t know the third time, either. #4 was the one I got to bring home. Giving a child, born or unborn, back to God is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do in life. Keep the faith – God will honor the desires of your heart.
Heather,
Like Carolyn (above) I suffered a very early term miscarriage. The pregnancy wasn’t at all planned, but had that baby been carried to term, it wouldn’t have been at all unwanted.
I can’t know what it felt like for you. I know that your loss was tremendous, especially considering that you were very close to having a baby…I never was, but I felt the same sort of sadness all of last month. I didn’t realize until mid-month that, had things worked out differently, I might be bringing a baby home.
I can’t help but wonder “what if” from time to time. I think of how my life would be right now.
My heart goes out to your and I pray that you find the grace and strength to go forward.
xoxo
Marykate
Miscarriage is very hard, and nothing anyone says can take the pain away. I suffered a very early miscarriage between my first and second child, and even though I barely had time to enjoy being pregnant, i wanted that baby so badly. I will never ever forget the due date, October 17th.
Here’s an odd twist though…my third child, who was completely unplanned, was also due on on October 17th. I found that very interesting, that the child that was tried for and lost and the child who wasn’t tried for but stuck around both had the same due dates.
My heart is with you. And so are the hearts of the millions of other women who have suffered pregnancy loss.
So sorry you had to experience this pain
Sending thoughts and love your way today Heather!
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing so publicly about something that so many feel stigma about. You are helping others cope with their own loss by sharing yours. Blessings to you and Nate.
Hugs to you!
You are and will be an amazing mother, never doubt that. xoxox
Thinking about you! Hugs and love! You are amazing!
You are in my prayers!!
Praying for you and your family. <3
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hold your husband tight tonight.
What a bittersweet post. Much love to you.
My heart aches for your today. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain you are experiencing!
I just ache for you and your husband. I’m a grandma who lost a grandchild before birth. My consolation was in that the baby will always be in my heart, rather than in my arms.
I’m so sorry Heather. I’m sending you strong and comforting thoughts today. I know you’re devastated and I can only imagine how difficult it is to morn a baby. You will have so much love and strength and support for the family you do have, I’ll say some prayers that when you’re ready you have the family you deserve.
Remember you are not alone – so many women have gone through this. The most exciting part you have to think about it that you got pregnant – you WILL again . . .!! Remember that and stay positive!! I know it is hard and thanks for sharing your awesome honest post but stay positive. . .
thinking of you today, thanks for sharing your honest feelings. you are strong.
Sending you love today.
I am so sorry for your loss. My sister is going throug the same thing and it breaks my heart.
HUGS!
Thinking of you and Nate and sending big hugs and prayers your way <3
No wonder I got an overwhelming urge to pray for you this morning! I love you and I’m here for you. HUGS and PRAYERS!
You guys are in my prayers today. God is greater than our minds can ever comprehend. Hugs.
<3
Thinking of you my dear. You will get through today! Hugs!
Thinking of you!
I’ll be thinking of you all day today!
Heather – I cannot imagine the sadness and loss you must feel. But I do know it’s proof that you love that little one. Praying for you today.
thinking of you…… :'(
love,
rebecca
Prayers and hugs being sent your way, Heather.
I lived (cried) through a day like this–August 7, 1998 was the due date of my baby that was never to be. I lost the baby in the 20th week of my pregnancy. I am so sorry. Saying prayers for you and your family Heather.
Your strength is amazing. You guys will be blessed beyond belief…keep your chin up!
I’m so sorry. I cannot imagine the loss. I’m praying for you! Remember Matthew 19:14.
-Therese
Keeping you and your husband that precious little baby in my thoughts and prayers today
Sweet loving Heather, I pray that you know you are not alone in your sadness. Sending you and your husband strength, peace and a ray of sunshine.
Thinking of you
I feel for you and know your pain. January 27th is that day for me. It was the day I was supposed to give birth to our first child. It ended in a miscarriage at 11 weeks. That day is still hard for me. We now have two beautiful children and feel extremely blessed. I will be thinking of you all day – hang in there!
Have you read Heaven is for Real? That book brought a lot of comfort to me.
Thinking about you, girl.
I’ll be thinking about you today, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling…but know you have lots of love coming your way 🙂
Sending big hugs and lots of love and peaceful thoughts your way, Heather! I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel but I know that you are strong and your faith will see you through the pain that today brings. Stay strong and know that I, among many others, are praying for you! XOXO
Love you!
Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way today. Your baby was loved and knew it and that makes you the best mother in the world.
Thinking of you today…
I am so sorry for your loss.
oh heather, this post makes my heart break for you. i hope you understand that you are in no way a failure. the sense of sadness you’re experiencing is what makes you whole. it’s what makes you full of love. it’s what makes you human.
thinking of you and sending you lots of love today.
Thinking of you today and will pray for healing.
I’m thinking of your, Heather! Sending hugs your way.