Letters to Our Baby

When I was pregnant I wrote letters to our baby on a weekly basis.  On BabyCenter they send out a weekly newsletter comparing the size of the growing baby to different types of fruits or seeds, just to give an idea of the actual size rather than using the metric system.  Yesterday we had our post-surgery check-up at the doctor’s office, and although the verdict was good (I’m as healthy as can be, can start exercising again, etc) it brought about a LOT of real emotions again about our loss.  I’ve decided to post the letters I wrote to our baby, so that I’ll always have them to look back and smile on as a happy memory of the child we’ll see again someday.  Thanks for listening!

 

Much love,

 

Heather & Nate

Week 4

Dear Little One,

We just found out 4 days ago that we are pregnant with you, and I have to say that these past four days have been the adventure of a lifetime thus far.  We’ve gone from excitement to tears to laughter to panic to thankfulness and back again.  I am so in awe with how God is subtly changing both you and me at the same time, helping us grow together.  I have to say it’s a little weird looking in the mirror and not seeing anything different though.  From the moment I found out you were in me I’ve felt different and see things differently…and yet I look exactly the same.  It’s a weird feeling, little one, but one that I wouldn’t change for the world.

I’ve started to read more about pregnancy and how to increasingly make my body a better place for you to grow.  I stopped drinking wine (of course), stopped drinking caffeine and carbonated drinks, and started eating an obscene about of fruits, veggies, and lean protein.  And the water?  Oh my gosh the water!  I love it, so it’s not a chore, but I have to pee more than I ever thought possible.  Not that I didn’t have reason to before, but I’ve been so extremely conscious about the things I put in my body because it’s helping to create YOURS.  I don’t know if there could be more joy for a mother!

Also, I thought you should know that I read that salycic acid is bad for babies, so I stopped using the stuff I put on my face at night to prevent pimples.  You’re welcome 🙂  I would do anything to make sure you’re healthy, happy, and strong…you’re our baby, and even though at this point you’re only the size of a poppy seed (according to the book), we love you more than words could ever say.  Our prayer is that you would know the love and grace of God all the days of your life.  You are beautiful to us, ball of cells and tail and all 🙂

We love you more than words,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 5

My dear little Sesame Seed,

If I’m being completely honest, I don’t really feel any different these days, other than the knowledge that you’re setting up shop inside of me.  I’m trying to eat the best that I can so that you have lots of nutrients to grow on and otherwise just sleeping when I can.  I wish I could just announce that you’re hear already, but in the meantime it’s kind of nice sharing the secret of you with your daddy and our close family and friends.  Before long we’ll have to share you with everyone, so I’m trying to revel in the fact that we’re in on this awesome secret.

I’m so thankful that I haven’t been sick thus far, but from what I can tell I’m still a little early for all that to happen.  Is it bad that I’ve already started dreaming of names for you?  And what your nursery is going to look like?  And thinking about your daddy holding you when you’re hear gives me goosebumps.  You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful man be the one that’s going to love you and raise you; that being said, I’m an incredibly blessed woman to have such a wonderful man as my husband.  One of our biggest goals is to show one another, and in essence show you, how much we love one another.  You are the byproduct of that love, and a bigger gift I could not imagine.

Just so you know we’re already taking bets on which dog is going to protect you more…Bunker is kind of goofy and weird, but he loves this family so much that we can’t imagine he’d do anything but snuggle you all day long.  But Keira is already a little mama around here, trying to snuggle everyone and lick everyone clean all.the.time.  So as of right now it just looks like you’re going to have two incredibly loving parents and two very snuggly protective puppies to get used to…quite a tall order for a little sesame seed!

We love you more than words could ever say…and that’s a whole lot!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 6

Dear Little One,

This week you’re the size of a lentil.  And as much as I love lentils, I can’t bring myself to eat any now…and to be honest your daddy is saying THANK YOU!!! for that.  Turns out that you living in my tummy makes me kind of gassy, kind of queasy, and kind of incredibly tired.  But every time I read anything about how you’re growing, or even think about the day I get to hold you in my arms it all becomes worth it.

I think about the fact that you’re going to be here in 8 months (8 MONTHS!) and I both can’t wait and also want to hold you in my tummy forever.  Kind of weird since everyone loves cute, snuggly babies.  But I just love feeling different, seeing how you change me, worrying about you, and praying for the person you are going to become.  I love feeling accountable to taking care of you before anyone else can even see you.  Heck, before anyone else ever KNOWS about you!  I feel beautiful, and I feel like a mommy.

I hope that everything is nice and cozy in there…your daddy is taking such good care of us, and I’m doing the best I can to make you feel comfortable 🙂  We love you so much, and you are changing our lives before we ever meet.

We love you more than words little guy!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 7

My dear little Lentil,

This week has been quite a rough one for your mommy!  Apparently my uterus is doubling in size to accommodate you and I have to say it’s not the most comfortable I’ve ever felt.  I don’t love the nauseated feeling I get when my stomach is empty, or the fact that it took me 3 days to realize that was the problem.  But the good news is that now we’ve (you and me!) kind of figured out that being hungry is what triggers the nausea, so it means that we get to eat more often!  Pretty sweet deal if you ask me.

Your daddy laughs because now that you’re stealing my juice (i.e. brainpower and abdomen) I am blaming everything on you.  Using the wrong word?  The Lentil stole my brain.  Why did I just do that silly thing?  The Lentil made me do it.  Why do I need to eat an entire box of macaroni and cheese for dinner?  That’s what the Lentil wanted to eat.  See?  And we love you so much that my silliness just makes you that much cuter.

I can’t believe that we only have 8 more months together like this before I hold you in my arms.  That seems like a lifetime away and at the same time it feels like it’s going to be tomorrow.  I’m counting down the days til our first appointment at the end of January, and am just praying to hear a strong, healthy, beautiful heartbeat.  I’m already crying just thinking about it…Lord have mercy on our poor doctor when I actually hear it!  I guess you should just get used to it though; your mommy is quite the emotional crier!  I never thought I’d love someone so much that I haven’t met yet, but it turns out that I do.  Your daddy and I are so in love with you and so proud of you already.  And no matter what happens in your life, if things are great and if things are bad, just know this:  you are loved.

We love you with all of our hearts,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 8

Dear Kidney Bean,

I am OVERJOYED at how big you’re getting!  Granted I’ve been pretty sick lately but I actually got out a ruler and measured out 5/8 of an inch on a piece of paper this morning and totally teared up.  I feel like that’s huge, but can’t wait to see how you continue to grow!  Tomorrow is our first doctor’s appointment and when I think about it I get so nervous and so excited all at once.  I am so thankful your daddy is going to be there to hold my hand and hand me tissues because I’m going to be crying like, well, like a baby.  I’ll be crying like a baby with a baby inside of me!

Like I said, the past couple of weeks have been pretty rough.  I’ve been sick to an extent that I never knew existed…and yet never threw up.  It kind of had me wondering how so many women put up with this and worse when they’re pregnant.  But then I had a realization this morning that the second I hear your heart, feel you kick, see your face, listen to your laugh, and feel your skin…it will all be worth it and I’ll want it to all happen again.  So I’m working on, even in the sick moments, being joyful in the fact that I’m living sacrificially for you.  My body hurts, but it’s because of the amazing things it’s doing…like housing you!

I’m probably going to write to you again tomorrow after the doctor, but for now I’m living in this joyful moment of knowing that you are here within me, that you are being knit together by God in my womb, and that every single second of this is worth it.  100%.  And I would never change it for any other feeling!

We love you more than anything in the world!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 8 (again)

Dear Kid(ney bean),

Friday was our first appointment with the doctor…what an adventure for your daddy!  Lady doctors are an interesting place to be for guys, but he handled the entire exam really well.  And the best news?  WE GOT TO SEE YOU!  I did really well, with just a graceful tear going down one cheek.  But the moment the doctor left us alone?  I lost it!  Tears and blubbering and just prayers of thankfulness.

You’re a healthy little one, measuring in at a whopping 1.93 centimeters.  Your heartbeat was 174 beats per minute, which seems high but the doctor said was normal.  Oh, and also…you were standing on your head.  Your Aunt Salah said that we would have a baby that does headstands in the womb…guess that’s true!  But to be completely honest I’m fine with you doing as many headstands as you want as long as you’re healthy.  She also said the best thing I could do for you is to eat a lot of fruits and veggies…so even though it’s the last thing I want to do right now with the morning sickness, I’m working on getting as many into my system as I can.

You are so loved little one, and we are so thankful for everything you’ve already brought into our lives.  You are a blessing, and we can’t wait to meet you!

We love you more than words can say,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 9

Dear Little Grape,

Well little one, we’re one day away from being forever in the double-digit weeks of growth…no more single digit weeks for this mama and her baby!  I can hardly believe that you’re growing as fast as you are.  According to the book and BabyCenter your major stuff has developed and now it’s just a lot of fine tuning and growing.  I mean really though…is this real life?

To be totally honest this still all hasn’t hit me yet.  Being sick with the flu last week was a pretty big distraction, and since then I just keep thinking about how to try and eat to make it better/easier for you to grow.  I’ve also experienced the anomaly of heartburn.  Kiddo, it’s not fun.  I’m ready to stop involuntarily smelling everything and I’m ready to feel normal after I lay down.  I just keep thinking how worth it everything will be when I see you, hold you, cuddle you, smell you.  For now all of your friends are incubating away in my friends’ tummies, and we just keep talking about how much we love all of you, how cool all of you are, and how surreal it is to be housing another human in our stomachs.  Weird doesn’t even begin to describe it, but neither does excitement or joy.  Your daddy and I are amazing by you already!

Tomorrow starts your kumquat stage, and I’ll be honest: I had to Google a picture of a kumquat to know how big you’ll actually be.  And, well, it’s bigger than a grape and orange in color.  And that’s about all I gathered.  But I do know that you’re getting bigger and cuter and we can’t wait to keep watching you!

We love you more than words can say, and that’s an awful lot!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

 

Week 10

Dearest little kumquat,

All I have to say is HURRAY! for feeling better!  I feel so much more equipped to take care of you and nurture you and dream about you when I’m not feeling like I’m about to either vomit or die any second.  Although I don’t think you notice, I like to think you want your mama feeling better and that maybe you feel better because of it.  As you’ll soon come to find out, I love to cook and the fact that I haven’t felt like it up until now is a pretty big deal.  It was starting to get depressing…and probably a little annoying for your daddy…but we’re back on track now.

Tomorrow begins your fig phase where you’re about an inch and a half long (!!!) and basically fully developed.  I just look at the drawings and the books and the paragraphs about how you’re growing and am in total awe.  I don’t know how God decided to do all the things he does to make you the person you’re going to be, but the more I learn about it the more of a miracle it is.  I don’t know how anyone could ever go through the miracle of pregnancy and not know without a shadow of a doubt that God exists and he is amazing, all-powerful, and loving.  My two biggest prayers for you are that you know Him first and that you are healthy.

In other news, since I have hardly felt like moving the past 4-5 weeks, I haven’t actually worked out other than a sporadic walk here and there.  That being said, I feel better and decided to do some squats yesterday.  I did 2 sets of 12 bodyweight squats and it feels like my ass is going to actually detach itself from my body and fall off.  That’s kind of a big deal…not only do I need it, but your daddy likes it (get used to it), and if I had to go without it would be rather heartbreaking for everyone involved.  Let’s just hope my body can bounce back into its usual workout routine so that I can stay strong for you.  It’s going to take a lot to push you out without medication, so I want to be as in shape as a pregnant woman can be!

We love you so much, and with each passing day are just more in awe of what God is doing in our lives by creating yours.  We love you more than words,

Mommy and Daddy

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Weeks 11 & 12 were never written because I didn’t do it before we found out that we had miscarried.  But if I were to write another letter it would be about how much we miss the baby, I miss being pregnant, we miss the idea that we were going to be parents in September.  Life is moving on, we are healing, but everyday there are reminders of what we once had.  We were blessed with a baby, and that I would never ever take back.

 

We love you more than words could say, sweet baby, and that’s an awful lot!

 

Love,

 

Mommy & Daddy