Hi, my name is Heather. On the outside I am a calm, collected adult. Apparently I also wear large candles on top of my head. I blame it on the Scandinavian side of me (no reason, just sayin’).
But on the inside I feel like I belong in a mall food court with shaggy black hair, fishnet tights, and pasty skin. Well, at least I have the pasty skin part down.
Yesterday I had a breakdown that rivaled none other I’ve ever seen before. Why? Who knows why. All I know is that Nate and I were reading the chapter on ‘Filling the Void’ in The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss, and the next thing I know I’m doubled over in a bathroom stall silently bawling my eyes out and grasping for some measure of hope. Again, why? I don’t know. I blame it on the book. And the gloomy weather. And the pasty skin.
Really though, I just realized (as I said in the photo project post) that I have no clue what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I know the things I love to do and love to experience, but none of it seems possible in our current financial state. And not that money should be everything, but we have to be realistic in understanding that it does hold some sway in how we make decisions. ANYWAY, I’m much better now…I would say I’m 95% the usual happy, hopeful, joyful Heather, but it was a rough one. My eyes are still tired.
At least I fueled properly for said breakdown! Breakfast was on the go from Starbucks (egg white, turkey bacon, gouda, whole wheat English muffin):
I’ll be honest, I got this for the lower calorie content. It’s pretty bland in my opinion, and I’ve really just been craving a green monster for the past 2 weeks anyway. Thank goodness today will be the day we get some more milk! Lunch was the rest of my leftover gumbo, which inevitably made me sweat. Nothin’ like sweating under the A/C vent at work!
Sadly it rained and stormed on my lunch break, so I paid homage to Barnes & Noble and Whole Foods for inspiration in life and in food. There was also some sitting in the car and staring at mountains to be had as well 🙂 I did get to work out when I got home though, completing the WillPower & Grace workout and sweating (again) like a madwoman!
Dinner was amazing. Seriously. Amazing. I am still thinking about it…
Spicy Chicken Sausage, Zucchini, and Eggplant Bake
- 2 medium zucchini, sliced 1/4″ thin on the diagonal
- 1 medium eggplant, sliced in 1/4″ thin rounds
- 1-2 Roma tomatoes, chopped
- 1 package spicy Italian chicken sausage (mine was from Whole Foods…it’s already cooked), sliced in 1/4″ rounds
- 1 jar marinara sauce (I used 365 brand Roasted Garlic)
- 1 lb pasta of choice
- 1 Tbsp olive oil
- 1 tsp balsamic vinegar
- 1 tsp salt
- 2 tsp garlic powder
- 1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
- 1 tsp onion powder
- 1/2 cup shredded parmesan cheese
Preheat the grill to about 300 degrees. Grill eggplant and zucchini slices about 3-4 minutes on each side to help dry them out. Boil pasta according to package directions, stopping at a firm al dente. Drain water and set aside. In the empty pasta pot, heat 1 Tbsp of oil over medium heat. Add the chopped tomatoes, spices, and vinegar. Cook for 4-5 minutes, stirring frequently. Add in the jar of sauce and stir to combine. Add the chicken sausage and cook til just heated through. In a 9×13 dish layer a little sauce, pasta, veggies, a pinch of cheese, and repeat til all ingredients are gone. Top with remaining cheese. Cover with foil and bake at 400 for 20 minutes, then increase oven to broil and broil for 3 minutes more, until cheese is brown and bubbly. Let cool 5 minutes and serve!
Oh my word, I am so excited about leftovers tomorrow at lunch! And since we will yet again be running around like chickens with our heads cut off, it’s nice to know that we can eat it for dinner as well if needed 🙂
Thank you all so much for listening to my random rants and raves and breakdowns on this blog…I have faith that everything that happens in life is for a reason, but unfortunately I occasionally forget about that and go off the deep end instead. I’m so thankful to have such incredible support from my husband, great friends and blends (blog friends), my amazing family, and YOU guys! Like Pioneer Woman would say, I love ya’ more than my luggage 🙂
Have you been facing problems like this lately? Questioning the meaning of life? Confused about what direction to take your life? How do you deal? What steps do you take to calm yourself down and think rationally? I’d love to hear it 🙂
Dana B. says
I have my ‘moments’ also. Feelings of loneliness, not knowing what to do. After the big cry-fest I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan. I/we may not see it, but He does and I put my trust in that.
That eggplant bake looks SO good!
Emily says
I totally feel you on this one. I’ve been asking a lot of these same questions recently. I’ve had two breakdowns this week–I think I’ve cried more this year than any other time of my life. It’s not that life is necessarily BAD, it just doesn’t feel RIGHT or GOOD–there’s gotta be something more! That’s how I’ve been feeling at least. Hang in there…I think asking these questions is so hard, but so worth it.
kbwood says
i totally have moments like that girl, but God always shows up. sometimes i feel like im running in a direction, and i dont know where! but thank GOD that He is so dependable, unlike us humans! HE will always follow through.
anyway, im obsessed with that dinner. do u know how much protein is in 1 serving? im a protein freak these days, im not going to hide it
Nienke at Revel says
I so wanna give you a hug right now! I love how real you are on your blog – seriously! All this yucky stuff is maybe part of the process we need to go through as we are trying to figure things out and I believe there will be some clarity at the end of it! I love how Ellen (firednfabulous)says these breakdowns are signs that we want to change and not be complacent.
Looking forward to seeing how this unfolds for you 🙂
Jennifer@ knackfornutrition says
Oh I sooo relate to your breakdown. I am about to graduate college (in December) and I have no idea what to do with my life. I am a politics major yet my passion is health and nutrition. I have no money, no career prospects, and no stability. Yet, I look at it as a glass half-full situation because whatever comes next is completely under my control. I agree that money plays a role, but ultimately it is about being happy. We just need to figure out how to strike the balance and find the thing that allows us to do both.
Hang in there, everything will work out the way it is supposed to!
Beth @ fatbustermack says
oh heather, I know that feeling…we all go through that. I’m trying to frame it as being that we don’t have “a purpose” and so our destination is constantly changing as we get through life. And sometimes my goal is to just get food on the table, for now. And I can dabble in my off hours to learn more about myself.
Ellen@FirednFabulous says
Oh girl, I have breakdowns on the regular! I think they are actually healthy…if you pick yourself up after. At least you’re realizing that you WANT change, and that you’re trying to figure everything out. You’ll get there. It would be a helluva lot worse if you were just blah and complacent and didn’t have the zest for life that you do.
Jenny says
Hi! Been reading for awhile now, I love your blog and your outlook in general!
Sorry about the “emo” feelings, but I can definitely relate. I decided that sometimes, what is good for the mind and body is a good cry session. I did just that last week. Afterwards, I felt better. It’s like your mind just builds up and builds up and you need to let it out eventually. Hope you’re having a good day today!
Noelle says
WOW, yes I have been when you are. This is why David wrote so many Psalms not only of praise but of despair and of being downcast. May you be soothed with God’s strength and love for those around you! 🙂
Jenny says
I really love your honesty and your picture. You’re adorable! It’s definitely hard to keep life in perspective when money is tight. My household is in the same boat and it’s frustrating. BUT I have faith that God is in control. 🙂
Emily says
Oy vey, I can definitely relate! There are so many forks in the road and it’s easy (for me, at least) to obsess about making the “right” decisions. We all need to give ourselves a break and rest assured that everything will work out in the end. Feel better!
katherine says
Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry you had such a draining sob fest! I, too, spent far too much time crying yesterday, but hopefully we’re both on the mend. If it cheers you up at all, your pasta bake has completely inspired me to make something delicious for dinner! 🙂
Katie @ Health for the Whole Self says
Boy, have I been there! Oh, wait, I’m there right now!!! My issue is actually that I deny my anxieties and insecurities instead of just having the breakdown…and then they end up hidden underneath all of this other stuff. So I’m very thankful that you shared your experience here…I actually think I’d be much better off if I just let myself have the breakdown. Then I might be able to pick myself back up, gain some perspective, and move forward. Instead I get stalled because I’m not dealing with the real issue.
Marie-Sophie says
Last year my dad very suddenly left my mum (after 27 years of marriage) for another woman who is about my age (which is 27!) and who (of course!) quickly got pregnant. My mum just broke down and for quite some time was in a really horrible state, leaving me to take care of her (and my little sister), finishing my degree and starting my clerkship at the same time…
It was a really tough year and I somehow struggled through it – well, I really thought there was no choice but to just do it!
At the end of the year I broke down … and that was also the point where I started to take care of MYSELF! I started to take good care of my body as I hadn’t really treated it well during that time and that’s where I started reading food blogs!
Now I just REALLY listen to my body! I give it good food and enough of it. I move my body, especially with Yoga, and give it rest when I feel that I am tired or even emotionally drained as well. Then lying in bed, reading a book or cuddling up with my favourite movies (I can really recommend “sleepless in seattle” or “the holiday” for this :-)), some tea and chocolate!!
AND I give myself permission to be miserable sometimes! It’s perfectly ok to be confused about what we want out of our life!!
As one of my favourite says at the end:
No one promised that life would be easy – they just promised it would be worth it!!
thanks, heather, for your blog – it also helped me to pull through!!
michele says
Another item I’m going to be making in the future.
ZeeBee says
Wow, I can relate 100%, especially as of late. I feel that I am in a dead end job that I work simply to pay the bills. There is no satisfaction and def. no passion in my job.. It sure can wear a gal out! But I also believe that everything does happen for a reason and where I am is where I’m supposed to be right now! I also think those breakdowns are important.. kinda like you can’t appreciate the sun without a little rain now and then 🙂
P.S. I’ve just found your blog recently, I love reading!! I see you are also here in the great state of Colorado.. sometimes when I feel down like that, I just look out my window at the glorious mountains and instantly, I feel a little better!
Tina says
I had a bit of an emotional breakdown last night too (which I will share a bit later on the blog) and they sure do stink! I’m sorry you dealt with that. God does have a plan and we have to trust it. I’m always here if you need someone to vent to. Muah!
Sarah @ The Smart Kitchen says
Wow, that really hit home. I have no clue what my purpose or direction is at the moment, and it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
On a more uplifting note…that dinner of yours looks AMAZING. I want to eat it. Now.
Sarah for Real says
I think it’s natural for us 20-somethings to find disappointment and confusion. After all, the world has been building us up since we were babies for this big “something” that happens after college. “Go to school.” “What do you want to BE when you grow up?” “Learn learn learn.” “You’ll need to know this someday.”
And then we finally get here and it’s like, thud. Reality. The fact is, I don’t think I know anyone who is 100% happy with their life, 20-somethings or not. I have friends who love their career, but have no relationship to speak of. I have a great relationship, but am not so happy with my career.
It’s OK. It’s normal. Stop worrying about it. Stop thinking about it. Planning for your future is supposed to be FUN! Be sure to focus on the things you do love about your life right now, and then make long term plans for the things you don’t.
Have you been to Europe? They don’t seem to have this hurry hurry hurry mentality that we do in the US. Why hurry? What’s the point really? Sounds like you need a vacay to someplace where you can be on “Island Time.” I recommend the Cook Islands 😀
Estela @ Weekly Bite says
I LOVE that photo of you! You’re gorgeous 🙂
And your funny too 🙂
We all go through uncertainties in life… keep your head up 🙂
hundredtenpounds says
I feel your pain. I’ve been going through something similar and it’s frustrating and depressing. It’s hard to pull yourself out of that funk once you’re there… 🙁
coffeeismycarrot says
I have been struggling with the my-job-is-just-a-job issue for a while. I want it to be a passion not just a job. I envy my husband who has the job he has always wanted since he was a little kid. I want to feel fullfilled from the career part of my life like I am with my marriage and other personal areas of my life. I know what I love to do, too (yoga, cook, bake, workout), but making that a career is financially scary for us as well. Money isn’t everything, but you are right that reality is that you have to be able to pay the bills.
I am considering going down to part-time with my “real” job and doing what I love (yoga instructor? nutritionist?) the other half of the time until I’m established enough to make it a full time career. We’ll see. Change is scary for me.
dorrybird says
As usual, I love your honesty! I definitely have those moments…where I temporarily lose my faith and freak out about finances/the future/jobs/etc. I’m glad you are feeling better today & I’ll keep you in my prayers. 🙂
Kristen says
Hi Heather! This is my first comment (love your blog, btw!). Like you, I often become over-frickin’-whelmed by the big picture. The Lord is teaching me to take things not day by day, but moment by moment. I recently stuck a list of “stabilizing scripture” in my daily planner. When I begin to worry or fret, I can read a verse or two and know that there are truths that NEVER change…no matter what my emotions are telling me at the time. I said a prayer for you today!
Ilana says
Babygirl, sometimes you just need to BREAK DOWN to move on. Breaking down helps you unlock a lot of shit you’ve been keeping pent up. It’s healthy to let it out! <3
Maria @ Oh Healthy Day says
First off, thank for you for being so honest and open. Most blogs are, but I your post to be refreshingly real. (Especially the candle on the head – how real is that?)
I deal with these thoughts on a daily basis. One moment, I’m happily doing my tasks at work, the next I’m thinking “Dear God, what I am doing here?”. Is this my life? Did I really want to grow up to be an office manager? Blegh. So I tell myself my favorite quote, “If you can’t change the circumstances, change how you feel about them”. I revert my thinking. “I am lucky to have a job. Look, they provided me with an organic lunch today”. Some days I have to convince myself more than others, but it usually works. Hang in there! You are a beautiful person – it shines through in your blog.
Amy @ Second City Randomness says
I’m sorry you’re feeling freaked out as of late. I get anxiety on occasion. Many times it corresponds with news of friends from back home who are getting married/having babies. I often find myself wondering if I made the right choice by moving away and having a different take on how I live my life vs. how they live theirs. But no worries- just know that you’re always on the path to the way things should be. Sometimes there are just bumps in the road. 🙂
Bethany says
It actually felt really good to read that. I have no clue where my life is going and how to make it go where I want to go. I know what things I enjoy doing, but have no idea how I can have more time to do more of those things (possibly get paid for it too?). Thanks for sharing and glad you’re feeling better!!!
lisaou11 says
I have had a few days like that where out of nowhere my world is shook and I am just an emotional wreck–and I never know exactly what is. Confusion with life–what I want to do–compared to how my life really is. It’s hard sometimes. Keep trucking through life and you’ll figure it out.
tanyasdaily says
Ups and downs is what life is ,makes you appreciate the ups when you are there.
Kelly says
Oh man…this post sounds so familiar!
I have this quote posted next to my computer..
“Faith is not knowing what the future holds, but who holds the future.”
I am living each day knowing that someone else has my destiny in His heart and all I am supposed to do (easier said than done) is to be open enough to “hear.”
Enjoy the beautiful summer day!
Anna @ Newlywed, Newly Veg says
Awww, I’m sending you a virtual hug– trust me, you are NOT alone on this one. I have breakdowns like that all the time. I think we’re fed this lie that by the time you’re our age, you’ve figured out what you should be doing, how you should be doing it, etc. But the truth is, though that’s true for some people, for a lot of people, it’s just not! I think there are a lot of people wandering around out there in their twenties, thirties, forties…maybe even in their eighties!!…wondering what they’re supposed to be doing with their life.
Cynthia says
I too go off the deep end daily. You’re not a lone girl!!
Esther says
I go off the deep end daily.
Kelly says
Um..yes…I am definitely lost right now. But I try to have faith that things will get better. One of my favorite quotes is, “No matter how good or how bad things are, it will always change.” That is so true. So while things may seem bad or scary or uncertain right now…it will change.
And I agree with Jess above…super cute picture of you.
Jessica @ How Sweet says
1. I love the first picture of you.
2. I love the first few lines and laughed out loud.
3. I will not bore you with my answer to your question in the comments; I will annoy you for the next 6 hours on gchat instead.
LiveForTheRun says
I am sending you a big air hug. A good cry is perfectly healthy.
I sympathize with you and for me, I have a solid day to myself. Nobody else. Refocus and just do things I want to do. Too often we spread ourselves thin. It’s deep stuff thinking about what you really want to do with your life. Know that it’s bigger than you and it’s OK to not have everything figured out.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” Howard Thurman
PS – I love that you still whipped up something fabulous!
Jill@MySoCalledHealthLife says
I think we are all always questioning somewhat, I mean that’s what life is all about to a certain extent. And we are here to listen to your rants and talk you back down 🙂
Also, it’s official, I NEED to try chicken sausage
Christie {Honoring Health} says
I can relate to that so much. Keep your chin up and know that the small steps that you are taking each day are going to add up to something amazing.