Man alive, I have no idea how to start this post. It’s been a long time coming, but as usual it takes me a little time to sort through my feelings and such, grappling hopefully for some semblance of an idea and a way to express it in writing.
I’m almost 30 (at the end of September), and have been trying to figure out who I am for as many years as I can remember. I don’t say that in an I’m-so-emotional-and-don’t-know-who-I-am kind of way; it’s more of a journey of self-discovery, which I’m finding is more and more normal every day. To those of you who know exactly what and when and how you’re supposed to do life – congratulations! You are definitely in the minority on that one 🙂 And for those of us who are constantly learning and stretching and being molded – well, I suppose there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone, right?
I have the most supportive and loving parents and sister in the world, but I remember growing up just feeling kind of awkward and unsure of myself. Again, I am finding out I wasn’t the first, and will not be the last, to feel this way. But it is certainly unsettling to be in that place, especially when you can’t embrace your curly hair and you wear braces for 6 years. OY. Anyway, I can specifically recall the times that I felt normal and like I knew where life was headed, and then equally recall the times that those plans and ideas were firmly shoved into a cosmic garbage disposal and chopped to pieces. It’s life, though, you know? It happens. And so many times it’s being proven once again that God’s plans are greater than mine.
Over the past year or so I’ve been working on figuring out who I am – both in real life and online life. As I’m sure you can tell by my ever-growing list of “What I Love About…” posts, I not only write and create recipes, but I do my best to be as involved as reasonably possible in this online world. It can be so hard to be flooded with thoughts of, “OH, I’m JUST like that blogger!” or “OH! I love the way she writes!” or “OH! I should do things like this online person I admire!” – none of which are always bad, until you (I) lose yourself in the shuffle of it all.
So here I am – Heather – working on claiming and reclaiming the woman that I am. I have been created for a purpose and am confident in that fact, regardless of what I know about that plan at any given time.
I am unapologetically NOT:
- the skinny model mommy
- the mom who does it all
- the woman who has no problems
- the one who never cries at movie previews
- the artsy type
- the one who sews (yet)
- the bold one
- the super-confident public speaker (yet)
- the one with a Pinterest-perfect house
- the one who never worries
- the one who likes to spend money on clothes
- the one who showers and gets ready every day
- the one who has it all together
I am not a lot of things, and I am over wishing that I was. Besides, if everyone had all of the same awesome qualities how boring would life be? I think it’s fantastic that there are women who exist and embody those qualities up there – I’m just decidedly not one of them!
I AM these things:
- a woman who loves the Lord with everything she has
- a woman who loves to encourage others
- a woman who cries at something once or twice a day
- a woman who is trying to keep her head above water sometimes
- a woman who feels very deeply
- a woman who works harder than she has to sometimes
- a woman who loves being a wife and mother more than anything in the world
- a woman who is undoubtedly blessed
- a woman who is completely in love with her husband
- a woman who would rather snuggle with her son than worry about showers most days
- a woman who doesn’t have it all together – and is starting to be OK with that
- a woman who stays at home and works from home and loves it!
I have been struggling on and off (since quitting the traditional workforce to stay home with our kid(s)) with the thought that my jobs aren’t real enough. There have been times that I’ve been embarrassed to share what I do when asked, as though raising another human and working a 40+ hour-per-week job as a freelance writer and recipe developer and blogger are not good enough. Y’all, this is a lie. These jobs that I have are very real, very difficult, very trying at times, and very VERY fun. It has taken a lot of hard work to get to where I’m at – and I’m completely loving every minute of it!
So why share all of this? I figure I’m a fairly normal person and that the thoughts I have about not being good enough due to my sickness of comparing myself to other? Well, I’m sure I’m not the only one. In fact I know I’m not because many of y’all have emailed me asking these very things. More than anything I want to tell myself and tell you – there is nothing wrong with self-improvement as long as it’s not a god, which will only ever steal our joy. Deep down, below the surface level stuff, worry and anxiety, I am happy and confident in who I am. My prayer is that you would discover that same self-love and confidence as well!