Man alive, I have no idea how to start this post. It’s been a long time coming, but as usual it takes me a little time to sort through my feelings and such, grappling hopefully for some semblance of an idea and a way to express it in writing.
I’m almost 30 (at the end of September), and have been trying to figure out who I am for as many years as I can remember. I don’t say that in an I’m-so-emotional-and-don’t-know-who-I-am kind of way; it’s more of a journey of self-discovery, which I’m finding is more and more normal every day. To those of you who know exactly what and when and how you’re supposed to do life – congratulations! You are definitely in the minority on that one 🙂 And for those of us who are constantly learning and stretching and being molded – well, I suppose there’s comfort in knowing we’re not alone, right?
I have the most supportive and loving parents and sister in the world, but I remember growing up just feeling kind of awkward and unsure of myself. Again, I am finding out I wasn’t the first, and will not be the last, to feel this way. But it is certainly unsettling to be in that place, especially when you can’t embrace your curly hair and you wear braces for 6 years. OY. Anyway, I can specifically recall the times that I felt normal and like I knew where life was headed, and then equally recall the times that those plans and ideas were firmly shoved into a cosmic garbage disposal and chopped to pieces. It’s life, though, you know? It happens. And so many times it’s being proven once again that God’s plans are greater than mine.
Over the past year or so I’ve been working on figuring out who I am – both in real life and online life. As I’m sure you can tell by my ever-growing list of “What I Love About…” posts, I not only write and create recipes, but I do my best to be as involved as reasonably possible in this online world. It can be so hard to be flooded with thoughts of, “OH, I’m JUST like that blogger!” or “OH! I love the way she writes!” or “OH! I should do things like this online person I admire!” – none of which are always bad, until you (I) lose yourself in the shuffle of it all.
So here I am – Heather – working on claiming and reclaiming the woman that I am. I have been created for a purpose and am confident in that fact, regardless of what I know about that plan at any given time.
I am unapologetically NOT:
- the skinny model mommy
- the mom who does it all
- the woman who has no problems
- the one who never cries at movie previews
- the artsy type
- the one who sews (yet)
- the bold one
- the super-confident public speaker (yet)
- the one with a Pinterest-perfect house
- the one who never worries
- the one who likes to spend money on clothes
- the one who showers and gets ready every day
- the one who has it all together
I am not a lot of things, and I am over wishing that I was. Besides, if everyone had all of the same awesome qualities how boring would life be? I think it’s fantastic that there are women who exist and embody those qualities up there – I’m just decidedly not one of them!
I AM these things:
- a woman who loves the Lord with everything she has
- a woman who loves to encourage others
- a woman who cries at something once or twice a day
- a woman who is trying to keep her head above water sometimes
- a woman who feels very deeply
- a woman who works harder than she has to sometimes
- a woman who loves being a wife and mother more than anything in the world
- a woman who is undoubtedly blessed
- a woman who is completely in love with her husband
- a woman who would rather snuggle with her son than worry about showers most days
- a woman who doesn’t have it all together – and is starting to be OK with that
- a woman who stays at home and works from home and loves it!
I have been struggling on and off (since quitting the traditional workforce to stay home with our kid(s)) with the thought that my jobs aren’t real enough. There have been times that I’ve been embarrassed to share what I do when asked, as though raising another human and working a 40+ hour-per-week job as a freelance writer and recipe developer and blogger are not good enough. Y’all, this is a lie. These jobs that I have are very real, very difficult, very trying at times, and very VERY fun. It has taken a lot of hard work to get to where I’m at – and I’m completely loving every minute of it!
So why share all of this? I figure I’m a fairly normal person and that the thoughts I have about not being good enough due to my sickness of comparing myself to other? Well, I’m sure I’m not the only one. In fact I know I’m not because many of y’all have emailed me asking these very things. More than anything I want to tell myself and tell you – there is nothing wrong with self-improvement as long as it’s not a god, which will only ever steal our joy. Deep down, below the surface level stuff, worry and anxiety, I am happy and confident in who I am. My prayer is that you would discover that same self-love and confidence as well!
Much love,
Heather
I love this post. I have been on a journey myself for as long as I can remember, trying to figure out who I was and what makes me happy, and how I can feel more completely, and how I can become closer to God, and I’m telling you this year… has been the most life changing for me, and not in a way, something major happened, but I am finally feeling like I’ becoming who I have always been meant to be. I’m 32, so know that there are people out there on the same kind of journey.
Thank you so much Kristi! Your comment is so encouraging! 🙂
Heather, thank you for this inspiring and so refreshing post! I needed this today. As a writer/blogger who also works from home, I sometimes feel like I don’t have a “real” job and feel the need to defend or explain myself to others … but I have to keep reminding myself how much I love my job and my life and that the only one I have to prove anything to is ME! Thanks so much for this post and for your wonderful blog!!
I’m so glad you liked it Dallas, and so happy to know once again I’m not alone. Your comment is such an encouragement!
I really enjoyed reading this post, as I have been struggling to stay afloat recently. All I can say is God is good and it was a such blessing to read an encouraging article by someone who knows this also.
i love who you are! it outweighs everything else and it’s who GOD created YOU to be! <3
A big fat ditto to you too my sweet friend – you are always a bright and beautiful light of encouragement for me!
Brava! And by the way 30 is pretty awesome. I was intimidated by turning 30 because I felt “I was supposed to accomplish loads” by then. But so far this past year has been the best I have had in ages. Honestly I feel 30 is a calmer decade 🙂 And yeah, I go through the “should I get a different better paying job?!?!” phase every couple of months because I am COMPARING myself. Sigh… thank you for putting your heart out into the world!
Thank you so much Lauren! I feel like this is something we all feel, and I just wonder where we all got that idea from? Either way, I’m glad we can all band together and name it as a lie!
I love you, this was beautiful, and I saw so much of myself in it. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you so much Andie – your comment is so sweet and encouraging 🙂
This is so beautiful and so relatable. Thank you for sharing, Heather. I love that you used unapologetically in the list of things you are not…I know I could use that word more in my vocabulary and focus on being really good at the things I am, and stop striving to be someone I’m not. I love this!
I’ll be honest: I heard it used the other day in relation to something else and couldn’t get it out of my mind! I’m so glad I could pass it along 😉
YAY! Such a wonderful post. Thank you for sharing and for the reminder that none of us can be everything. You go girl!
Thank you so much sweet Amy!!!
Oh Heather – I can so relate to this post and love how you are owning who you are. I turn 40 in October and am still struggling with the “Who Am I?” piece of things… but it’s getting easier and it’s changing.
Love this post so much!
You have no idea how thankful I am for your sweet comment Kristen!!! 🙂
This is such a wonderful and inspiring post. You are a great writer!
Thank you Amy! I’m so glad you liked it 🙂
Love this! Making a list for myself, to look at when I’m doubtful. What a great idea, thank you!
I know this isn’t always possible but never doubt how wonderful you are and how proud we are of you. You have built a family and a business with lots of hard work and a great partnership with your husband. You are such a good mother–so don’t “sweat the small stuff” as they say. I don’t doubt that even greater things are ahead of you but even if there weren’t you are still more wonderful than we could possibly take any credit for.
Thank you Mommy 🙂 I love you so much!
Well said, Heather. 🙂
Lovely words and clearly your true heart. We all relate on some level, I am certain!!
I have a feeling you’ll enjoy the next season of life–age wise, I settled into such a more secure place in my thirties, and now (gulp) beginning the 40’s is quite a peaceful adventure. Not that ANY of us have it all figured out, but something does happen with time–there is no denying it. 🙂
aloha to you! Keep up the great work. (And I do mean WORK!!)
monica
I keep hearing that it just gets sweeter as we get older – I’m all for that – I just wish I’d felt it for my 20s too! 🙂
Beautiful Heather!! There’s no doubt that what’s on the inside is what makes us beautiful. Keep seeking Jesus, that’s where our beauty lies.
Blessings,
Cyndi
“Comparison is a thief of joy” – one of my all time favorite quotes. You are SO not alone in those thoughts and feelings. As I was reading, I was fervently nodding my head and saying “yes! that’s me!” but you are much more courageous than me for putting your heart out here for us to read. So, thanks for that and for encouraging me to do the same.
<3 Iradis
Your comments make my heart happy 🙂
Everything your saying is just “life”…. In my 47 years, I have yet to feel completely “comfortable” in my own skin… I worry, question, ponder and I change .. Each decade of my life has been change.. some changes for the better (i.e. getting married), some for the worse (losing my father to a heart attack) and saying goodbye to my 16 year old dog. I have just accepted the fact that those changes are a part of life moving forward at a fast speed and there is nothing I can do about, except for prayers & giving love to the people currently in my life & helping out when I can to others. Each change molds me.. but I will be okay! My heavenly father is lighting my path, as I know he is lighting yours too.
Amen Maryann!
I love this, and I appreciate you sharing this with us! I sometimes catch myself feeling like I’m “not good enough” because I stay in my pajamas all day or don’t look like I have it all together like some other moms. I appreciate you being real and vulnerable with us. 🙂
I’m so glad this encouraged you Ashley – you are DEFINITELY not alone!
Beautifully written, I can relate on so many levels. From your old friend, the twentys are spent running around pretending you have it all together, “making your mark” (at least that is what you think, haha), the thirty’s are a beautiful time of discovering who you really are and the forty’s are rejoicing and enjoying who you TRULY are.
I am so blessed to have you in my life.
A big ol’ ditto Steph! So blessed to have YOU in my life 🙂
I heart this post so much, Heather, and can definitely empathize — especially with the “my job is not real enough” thing. But thank you for reminding me that those negative thoughts are lies and that being true to who I am, in the way I was created, is the best way to be. And by the way, I love who you are and the unique you that comes through on your blog — you are such an inspiring wife, mama and blogger! xo
This is good to share, Heather!
I read something (https://maggiehjohnson.com/2013/05/29/cans-and-cannots/) that talked about making a list of what we can and cannot do. Obviously, this doesn’t rule out grace empowered improvement, but I think, as women, we need to own the freedom that comes with admitting we can’t do it all.
We shouldn’t, really. That’s for Jesus!
AMEN girl! Love the way you put that 🙂 And I can’t wait to check out that link you sent!
Preach is sister! This is so true. I spent most of my twenties living my life worrying about what others thought. SLOOOOOWLY I am reclaiming myself and figuring how who I am, and what makes me happy. Its been a long time coming but it is getting better. I love reading how others are also working through this as well!
Thanks Annie! I have to admit it’s always nice to find out we’re not alone 🙂