A quick note: this post is in no way complete, but it’s going to be all I can emotionally put out there in this very moment. This blog is about my love of food, but I’ve always tried to document my life on it as well. If you have questions feel free to email me as I will not be able to answer questions in the comments at this time.
________________________________________________________
January 1, 2011: I emerged from my childhood bathroom with these in hand. We had just found out I was pregnant.
January 28, 2011: We had our first doctor’s appointment and saw an ultrasound of a healthy baby, heartbeat 174 bpm, length 1.73 cm. We were overjoyed.
February 22, 2011: I was admitted to a local ER with spotting. Later that night we found out I’d had a miscarriage at about 9 weeks when I thought I was almost 12 weeks along.
February 23, 2011: We went to the doctor’s office to have the diagnosis confirmed. Since my body was not naturally able to expel my uterus, I had a D&C surgery. And then my body and heart were empty.
I had big plans of announcing our pregnancy on March 11, right after our next doctor’s appointment. I would have been out of my first trimester, and since we saw no additional signs other than spotting the other night we assumed everything was going well and we would have a joyful post to talk about. I don’t know why this happened to me; I did everything “right” from erasing caffeine from my diet to overcooking everything to taking my prenatal vitamin every.single.day. We prayed for our baby (and it was our baby, not just a fetus), that it would be healthy and that it would know the love of the Lord every day of its life. I wish there were words in my head to describe the pain and loneliness I feel right now. Our family and friends have been incredible, loving us through this all and most of all pointing us towards truth in it. At first it was easy to blame myself, but I know in my heart it’s not my fault.
Now I’m left asking “WHY?!” but I do know this:
God loves me, he loves Nate, and he loves our baby. And one day we will get to meet this beautiful child that we lost.
God has shown his grace, his mercy, and his love by putting family and friends in our lives who have covered us with love and prayer.
God blessed us INCREDIBLY by allowing us to have the gift of a baby as long as he did. It hurts, but we loved it and we would never want to take that back.
Y’all, I don’t know why this happened. I wish I did. But I do know that I have become closer with God through it all, closer to my amazing husband through it all, closer to our family and friends through it all, and have clarity for what I want in life through it all.
Much love guys,
Heather
Heather, I know it was absolutely the Lord’s timing that I happened to find this post from the link you included on your survey wrap up post today. Not more than 5 minutes ago I posted about my miscarriage on my blog. It’s by far the most terrifying thing I’ve ever shared and I considered backing out until the very last minute. But reading this has given me renewed strength and courage. It was so helpful and healing for me to read other’s stories, and now I hope my story can be helpful as well. I so believe in the power of sharing a table–and sometimes that means sharing more than just yummy food. Thanks for being brave, friend. You don’t know how much it helped me this morning.
Oh honey, I am so sorry. I’m giving you the biggest hug I can from here – and please email me if you ever need to talk. I still cry weekly about our loss, even 3+ years down the road, but the impact that sweet baby made in the lives of other mommas has been huge. Praying for you!
I just came back to this as well. I found out yesterday I miscarried at nine weeks, and have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow. I wanted to thank you for your honesty and strength and faith, not just in this instance, but in all your stories of Wes. It gives me hope in God, and hope for the future.
Sarah,
I am so, so very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I wish I could tell you that it’s all fine and great now that we have Wes, but there are days that I still cry uncontrollably over the loss of our first baby. Just know that you’re allowed to feel however you feel, but more importantly that God will carry you through this.
I’ll be praying for you sweetheart,
Heather
Heather,
Thank you. This means so much to me, and it’s so helpful to find support in this community. You, too, are in my prayers.
Sarah
I just came back to this. I remember reading it when you first posted it and now, as I just suffered a miscarriage of my own, came back to read it for comfort. Thanks for your bravery. I’m still too hurt to be brave.
i’m so sorry katie – just know that you’re not alone. i’ll be praying for you!
Hey girl, I just saw this post today (a bit behind catching up on blogs!) and just wanted to say the warmest of warmth from my heart goes out to you. I had a miscarriage in 2009 and I know how you feel. Similar scenario – about 12 weeks along, went through the whole thing for 2-3 days and then ended up having to go in for a D & C anyway. It’s brutal – it’s tough but, like you so heartfully put it, you are blessed. You will never stop loving that little life but feel so blessed that a little soul passed through you in this lifetime. I can tell you that the pain will probably not subside, however, horrible as it is, you’re now among a group of so many other women this has happened to. Women who have had similar experiences start coming out of the woodwork and it’s strangely comforting to identify with each other. Reach out to me if you EVER need anything – an email, a word, whatever. Much love and healing to you ♥
Heather, I just found your website today. I can’t believe how similar our stories are. Same age and almost same story. Your experience this past February mirrors mine almost exactly. We found out we had miscarried just a week earlier than you and I had to go through the same thing. This was our first pregnancy. There is no anser to my why either. It is hard and some days I still feel really sad. This week would have been my announcement week. Just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.
I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, Heather. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this most difficult time. Please stay strong…
Though it is one of the toughest things you will have to go through, keep your faith. Hold onto God’s promises. He is faithful and, yes, there is a purpose for everything under heaven, which we will all understand one day. One day at a time…God will heal and renew your spirit sweet friend.
I am so so sorry.
heather. I just popped in to say I am thinking of you and your family. Keep your head up. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but just know, time will heal and everything happens for a reason. You will get everything you want and deserve, i truly believe this
Heather, I am a new-ish reader/commenter to your blog, and I just had to speak up and say that I am so sorry that this happened to you. My grandmother went through this several times, but! It is the reason why my mothers was born (and I guess… by defaut…the reason that I myself am here today). Just know that you are not alone…
Thinking of you and your family!
Wow heather, I’m so very sorry. Your in my prayers!
This took my breath away for a minute… Just reading about it makes my heart ache. So glad you have a strong faith and a loving husband to carry you through.
Heather, I wandered over here from Twitter to check out your blog, and I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I’ve experienced a miscarriage myself and know what an emotional time it can be. It seems you have a wonderful support group of bloggers who care about you! I wish you the best of luck and many prayers.
Natalie
Heather, I know no words are the right words but you are in my heart and prayers.
My mother had five miscarriages before getting pregnant with me – I have to believe everything happens for a reason. The joy will return – you deserve it.
honey, I’m so sorry. I’ve had a chemical pregnancy before, and it was one of the hardest things I have had to go to through..but no where near what you are going through.
Love you and you are in my thoughts.
I have no words, but many prayers and much love. You are so strong, and I admire your beautiful grace and courage. You are an inspiration.
I am so sorry. I know that no words can help. Just know that all these comments hold much love for you.
I am so sorry. the tears are forming as I write this. You are so loved by your community, I’m sure you know that! The Lord is gracious, and will always take care of you, even in times like this when He seems so far, or confusing.
You are loved Heather!
Thinking of you. God has a plan and everything will be alright in the end. Keeping you in my prayers.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but what an amazing statement you made at the end of the post – God will get you through this. He has plans for you that you can’t even imagine.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers
I’m so sorry for your loss.
This brings tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry for your loss Heather. I’ve been through a similar experience and I know the pain you’re feeling. It has always helped ease the pain a little to know that my baby is with God. God is faithful and will bring you through this. You and Nate will be in my prayers.
Heather,
I am so, so sorry. I’ll be sending peaceful thoughts to you and Nate. I can’t imagine to know how you guys are feeling right now, and I wish that I could make all your hurt go away.
Emily
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Nothing brings more sorrow than the loss of a child. May God keep you wrapped in His love and be the light in your darkest moments. Just remember that no matter how alone you may feel, He is always with you. Carrying you when you need to be carried and walking beside you when you need Him to. God will show himself in the most curious of ways, the touch of a loved one or the kind words of a stranger. My prayers go out to you and your dear hubby.
I’ve been praying for a few days now without knowing the reason, and am so sorry to find out that this is what it was. I am so sorry for your loss, and I know that nothing we can say will erase the grief. I’m so grateful that God has you in His hands right now, and will continue to pray that He remain close, close, close.
I’m mostly a lurker here on your blog, and I can’t even IMAGINE what you are going through right now, but I just wanted to spread whatever love I can <3 take care of yourself, you are a beautiful person and you can make it through this.
we are all rooting for you!
<3
n
I am so sorry for you. I know exactly how you feel. I had two miscarriages. Made it to 8 and 9 weeks. It totally sucks. I will be praying for you and your husband.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Heather and Nate. 🙁
I am so sorry that this happened Heather. My heart breaks for you. I am keeping you, your husband and your baby in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry this happened to you guys. I know nothing can take away the pain but know that you are in my prayers. The Lord is good and He will bring you through this.
sweet heather and nate,
i am so, so sorry. this happened to us before mailey. 13 long months before mailey. god took us on a hard and trying journey to her. that is what this will be…a journey to a sweet face, a squinchy nose, and whispy little hair. god is faithful through it all. i am praying for your heartache, for your emotions, and for Jesus to strengthen you. you will be upheld by his righteous right hand. he goes before and behind. i have 2 sticks just like yours that i carry in my purse pocket. a reminder of one lost, and then journey to my mailey baby. love y’all so much, and cannot wait to see you this summer when we are up there. hugs from me. i am so proud of the woman you are. love.
Oh, Heather, my heart goes out to you. You are right that this is absolutely not your fault, and I am so glad that your faith is strong and your family and friends are there for you. Please know that I am praying for you and Nate as you continue to deal with this.
I am so sorry. You and Nate are in my thoughts
I am so sorry that this has happened. I will keep you and Nate in my prayers and thoughts. Much much much love
So sorry for your loss- my husband I have had 2 miscarriages in the last 18 months first at 12 weeks and second at 8 weeks. take care of yourself, be there for each other and let yourself heal- it will take time but things will get better. So sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss and can only
imagine your pain.
I know nothing can take away the pain right now, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Nate during this difficult time. (((hugs)))
no words, just love. <3
Heather and Nate – I am so sorry this happened. I am praying for your comfort and healing. Sending love your way.
Heather, I am so, so sorry. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Heather,
I am so, so, so sorry to hear about your loss. I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
I love you! Wish I could show up with a big ol’ batch of brownies right about now.
I’m sorry, Heather. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
A few weeks after my sister told me I was going to be an aunt, she told me she had a miscarriage. I don’t know why these things happen or what God’s plan is, but she is healing slowly and you will too. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family.
Hi Heather —
My heart aches for you and your husband. Losing a baby is terrible (no matter how far along in pregnancy you are). I miscarried our first child at 9 weeks as well, and it was very painful. I never felt whole again until I got pregnant with our daugher 6 months later. Now I have a healthy, happy almost two year old little girl. It will happen for you, trust in God and give it time. All things will happen according to His plan.
My prayers are with you. Take time to grieve and remember this baby how you feel it’s best.
xoxo
Jennifer
I love sister. Even though God’s plan for ya’ll and your baby is hazy right now, it will all clear up in the right time. Praying for you guys everyday!
A massive massive chocolaty hug for you, Heather! My prayers are with you and I believe that one day everything will be ok. Until then stay strong and don’t give up hope on anything!
much love & hugs all over the ocean!
I’m so sorry to hear this Heather. I can’t even imagine…My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are will you guys.
My thoughts are with you + Nate. I’m so sorry you both had to go through this, Heather. Sending love your way. xo
Sweet Heather – this brings tears to my eyes. I am sending you and Nate lots of love, and praying for you to be able to feel peace and comfort in knowing that God has great things in store for your family. In the meantime, cling to Him and accept all the love from your friends and family.
A Christian family grieves for those that suffer loss and are mourning, even if we’ve never met! We praise our good and gracious Lord even in times of sadness and pray that you guys would be strengthened and encouraged by his Spirit and by members of the body of Christ!
praying for you and your sweet family! God has a plan for you !
I am so sorry that this happened. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now. I’ll be thinking about you today– sending you love and white light.
I know you have an amazing support network in real life, but know that you also have one in blog life.
My heart just aches for you. Please know that it is nothing you did or didn’t do. And as you said, you will be with your baby again, I just know it. God just gets him or her for a little while first. I’m praying for you guys.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Praying for you and Nate and also your loved ones.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending prayers your way during this difficult time.
Heather, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
oh Heather, I am praying for you! God does has his plan for you and Nate. He is sovereign! I know you that you know this. You are covered in prayer.
LC
I am so very sorry for your loss. I went through a miscarriage and D&C too and it is really hard and very sad. Know that it is nothing you did wrong. I too look forward to meeting my lost little one (who would be 3) in heaven some day.
Let yourself be sad when you need too. Sending more prayers your way.
Heather – I am so terribly sorry that this happened to you. You and Nate are in my prayers and I’m sure you will have a healthy and beautiful baby someday 🙂 You’re an amazing person and my thoughts are with you both. Sending lots and lots of love your way.
Dear Heather and Nate,
I am so sorry for your loss, however let me tell you my story! I got burnt (about 60% of my body) about 10 years ago. It was a house fire! There were 6 people in the house and I was the only unlucky one! I couldn’t escape the fire! The cliche was, I was the one who woke everyone up! I was in hospital for 2.5 months and in and out of the hospital for more than a year, and had about 5 surgeries, to fix my hair, hand, feet, etc.
I DID ask GOD why me? WHY ONLY ME? Why didn’t he just make me die in the fire so I don’t have to suffer this humiliation? Wouldn’t it be better for everyone else if I just die? For years I was in depression! My weight just balloon adding more depression. But everyone around me loves me deeply and they kept on telling me that God did this for a reason, why He spared my life is because He has a special plan for me. I am still on a journey to find out what His plan for me is… but slowly and surely I can understand why He spared my life.
So Heather, the fruit of my story is that, I know it is VERY SAD and HARD time for you and your family at the moment, especially for things like this, but you know what? You still have each other, and things like this will just bring you closer together.
Maybe God has other plan for you, Maybe He thinks the time is still not right for Nate and yourself to have the baby as He has other thing in store for both of you.
But one thing I know for sure is that He never fails us, Both of you will have a baby one day and He/She will be the cutest thing ever!!!!
And no I am no preacher, but my life experience has make me closer to God 🙂
*Sending you a million of love and hugs*
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that there are no words that can truly take away the feelings you have right now. You must be devastated, frustrated, confused. All I know is that everything happens for a reason, though it may not always seem clear to us when it happens. My thoughts are with you.
My heart goes out to you guys… I’ve had too many friends who have gone through this lately, and I can’t even imagine. Much love!
I’m SO sorry for Nate & your loss.
You will have your baby one day 🙂
I am so sorry for your loss. You, Nate and your baby are in my thoughts and prayers.
i am so sorry, you will be in my prayers
I’m so terribly sorry for your and Nate’s loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending virtual hugs to you.
Heather,
Sending you love today, I can’t imagine how you must feel. You sound so strong though, and I send my prayers your way. xo
So sorry to hear that….and eventhough it’s cliche…”things happen for a reason”. I’ve gone through a miscarriage myself and it was devastating. But you are strong and blessed in so many other ways. God will not give you anything you can’t handle…stay positive. You are in my thoughts.
Heather, you and your family are in my prayers. What a horrible experience and I can’t imagine the pain you feel. Stay strong and know that God is in control. Lean on Him…and on us.
You know how much I love you and have been praying for you since you first told me the news. Even though nothing can replace this child of yours, I have no doubt that God will complete your family. And He will complete you too during this time of empty feeling. You are unbelievably strong, Heather. I love you.
Bless your hearts! What we experience here on earth we will in heaven understand. God ‘s vision for our lives reaches so far into tomorrow that it is difficult to even imagine, much less, understand. I can boldly say that each of us who have been following you week by week, know that all that you have shared about this challenge in your life will have been a blessing to each of us in some way. May God bless you and Nate and strengthen your love and support for each other. My prayers go out to you.
I’m so sorry that you and Nate are going through this. You’re in my thoughts.
Sending hugs and love! Take care! Love you!!! We are all here for you!
I’m so sorry Heather, I cannot imagine how hard that must have been and how hard it still must be. Thinking of you. xoxo
Ah Heather…you didn’t do anything wrong sweetheart. Sometimes things just happen. Bad things to good people and there are never any answers. My heart goes out to you and to Nate and I know one day you will both be wonderful parents. Hang in there…stay strong…and know that the world loves you. <3
My heart goes out to you and Nate, Heather. My mom only shared with me recently that she had a miscarraige before having my siblings and I (5 of us total). I could see how deeply it affected her and touched her and my dad, but she also took comfort in knowing that we were all assured a saint in Heaven working especially for us. God is with you, I promise 🙂
You know I can relate 100% to this Heather.
I am here for you.
I am so sorry you have to go through this.
(((hugs)))
Heather and Nate, you have my heart. While we can’t explain God’s decisions, it is inspiring to hear that through it all you are becoming even more aware that his love is all-powerful.
My prayers remain with you. May Gods blanket of peace cover you.
Heather, there are no words that will make you feel better but know that we’re all thinking about you two and you’re not alone in the journey! Much Love <3
praying the love of GOD over you and your husband, Heather! HE is the only one who carries us through times like this- I know where your heart is- mine has been there too- and I know Jesus is loving over your sweet baby in heaven right now- one day we will get to meet them all- I know I am looking forward to that day.
I’m very sorry Heather. My friend went through the same thing two years ago. It’s a difficult situation to go through, and my thoughts are with you. 🙂
Heather and Nate…I will continue to pray for you both. Your faith and knowledge that God loves all 3 of you is what will carry you through.
Blessing and peace to you.
I am so sorry… My heart goes out to you in your family in this time of loss… and you are so strong to be able to share this so soon…
Oh my goodness! Heather, I am so sorry! My heart and prayers go out to you! I know how you feel! It’s a tough thing to live through, but I’m glad you’re holding onto your faith. Sometimes, that’s the only thing that can give you the strength to move on. My thoughts are with you.
Heather, I am so sorry, your message here will speak to the so many women that are going through the vpainful experience. My thoughts are with you both!
oh, Heather. I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your baby. Sending big hugs your way and hoping you find peace with this. You’re so brave to share your story, because it’s so much more common than people know. Stay strong- I’ll be thinking of you!
Sorry is not nearly a strong enough word for what I’m feeling for you…but please know that you should take all the time you need to mourn and gear up for whatever happens next. Thank you for sharing your story, and for letting us inside — know that a lot of hearts are hurting for you today.
Hi Heather!
I am so sorry for your/Nate’s loss.
I can say that it “happened” because God has something even better for you. Trust me. My hubby and I lost two babies this way. And then when God gave us our daughter….Heather…is was better than we ever imagined! She was healthy, gorgeous and changed our lives. This little girl is turning 16 in 3 months.
I appreciate your trust in God.
Thanks for sharing your life. 🙂
I am so very sorry to read this. My thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you guys during this very painful time. You have so many people that love you. Please feel free to reach out to me at any time for comfort. Hang on to that beautiful spirituality – it will set you free. xo
Oh Heather, my heart goes out to you. I don’t know what that loss feels like, but I do know that it’s a deep hurt. And I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I’m glad you have a strong support system, friends and family who can help you as you try to forget the hurt but not the baby. *hugs*
I’m so sorry to hear this news. I know that there really aren’t any words. You have such a great support system so I hope that gives you some comfort.
There is very little anyone can say, to give you answers or ease the pain- other than- we are all thinking of you, praying for you (and your family), and hoping you the best. You are surrounded by love.
So sorry for your loss, Heather. Thinking of you.
I think Kim said it beautifully. We’re all here for you & love you. You & your family are in my prayers.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss, girl. I’m thinking about you. I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through right now, but you will make it through this. Stay strong, sweetie.
I’m so sorry for your loss. While I can’t say I know exactly what your feeling, my husband and I have been battling infertility for over a year. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
so sorry to hear, heather. thinking of you during this difficult time.
I am so so sorry for your loss and can’t imagine the pain that you and your husband are going through. In times like this the only thing I can do is think that everything happens for a reason. You are really brave to share all of this on your blog!
I’m so sorry for what you and your family have been through, I can only imagine. Know that you are not alone-you have your blog family too to lean on for support…my prayers are with you….
Heather, I’m so sorry this happened. I know God is faithful and he knows your pain and he is with you, but I can’t imagine the hurt and loneliness and frustration you feel right now. Praying that you would continue to reach out to God even when you don’t want to, and for peace and unity between you and Nate. That this would be a time of strengthening for you, and not something satan can use to divide or defeat you with.