It’s been a while since I’ve talked about miscarriage here, probably because I try very hard to live in the moment with the sweet baby that we are so blessed to have here with us.
If I can be a little honest though having Weston here almost makes it harder to stomach the miscarriage that we had almost two years ago. It makes it harder because he is so wonderful, so healthy, so happy, so beautifully and wonderfully made. So smart and funny and strong. So perfect in every little way. Seeing him grow and develop, hearing his precious laugh and seeing his face light up when Nate comes in the house. Watching the milestones fly by. All of it is so amazing…but it also makes me realize what we truly lost when we lost our first little baby. That each child has a unique personality, individual little quirks, needs and wants. We’ll know what those are when we meet our sweet baby in heaven someday, but for now, it’s all unknown and even two years later that loss is still so painful.
One thing that I wish I had done was ask the doctor who performed the D&C if she could find out the gender at all – if it was at all apparent – and let us know so that we could properly name our sweet baby. We never found out if it was a charming little boy or a sweet baby girl that we would have had, and as such we never named him/her. In a moment of revealing the true ugliness of my heart I just wanted the baby out. Knowing that the baby inside of me that I loved so much I could hardly stand it – knowing that baby was dead and still inside was almost too much at the time. I just wanted to feel normal. So I didn’t ask and that’s the biggest thing I regret to this day.
But two years later I still want to give that baby the dignity of having been named. To be able to mourn him/her by name. To give light to the darkness that can often fill my heart when Weston is asleep and I’m alone in my thoughts and sadness of the loss of that first sweet child.
So I named our baby. I named him/her Story. Because he or she is a big part of our story – the beginning of our story of parenthood, the beginning of my story of becoming a mommy, and he/she will always be interwoven into the story of the life of our family.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how I’ve sat here and sobbed for hours on end while trying to eek out some words for this post. I am still so sad at times, but I am also coming to a point where I feel hopeful – hopeful about seeing our sweet Story someday and comforted by the fact that I know exactly where our baby is. And knowing that Story finally has a name? Well, it’s a joy 🙂
Beautiful post. We miscarried twice in the same year, both were boys and we named them too.
Hi Heather. I just stumbled upon your blog and I can’t believe how perfect the timing was. Today is the one year anniversary of when we lost our baby (through a miscarriage as well). This past year has been difficult–but we are hopeful that we too will have our own precious baby someday soon.
I’m so sorry for your loss Bethany. The pain we’ve been through isn’t something I would wish on anyone, ever…I will be praying for you!
What a breathtaking post, Heather. Thank you for sharing. Food may bring us bloggers together in one way, but sharing our challenges connects us even more and makes everything that much more real for our readers. I think what I like best about this post is the idea that your Story has no end and will always be a part of your life 🙂
Dear Heather. I’ve lost a baby too, just before my second child.
But I always thought, if he/she didn’t live, it was because he/she wasn’t strong enough. This is the way Nature does. In france, you know, we’re fatalistic. C’est la vie.
Of course, I went sad when I lost this baby. But if he/she would have lived, my daughter (who came after) wouldn’t be there. And I’m so happy to have her in my life.
I don’t want to forget this baby. Each time a doctor ask me how many pregnancies I had, I say “3”. And this is true, even if I just have 2 children.
But I just can’t imagine my life without my daughter I have now.
I don’t feel any sorrow anymore, because I didn’t know this child. I feel much more sorrow for a friend of mine who have lost her baby girl, when she was 4 years old.
I just hope I don’t shock you, Heather. You’re someone I love to read. I just want to give you strenght and fatality.
As you say, you’re the lucky of mother of a sweet and wonderful and full of life baby boy ! Tha’s great, because he’s the Life 🙂
Very friendly.
This doesn’t shock me sweet Axelle – I am so thankful for Weston and I know that if Story had lived my life would look very different than it does today!
I cried when I read your post. We just experienced a devastating loss on Thanksgiving 2011. Our baby’s heart simply stopped sometime around 10 weeks. It was the lowest of lows for me. I had to wait almost a week for my D&C. Like you I just needed the baby out so I could move forward. I felt so stuck knowing the baby I loved more than anyone could imagine was no longer alive.
Thank you for sharing your story. People don’t really talk about the loss and sadness of a miscarriage. Your courage is admirable. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Kristi – someone once told me that miscarriage is like a sick little club that no one knows about until you go through it – then you find out so many people have gone through the same thing. I will definitely be praying for you sweetheart!
I agree… no one talks about it! I’m glad you are finding some peace.It/’s comforting to know that with time things will get a little better. Story and Weston are lucky to have such a great mom!
What a sweet and honest post. I, too, suffered a miscarriage and I know how hard it can be emotionally. Sending big hugs, love and light your way. Hug that sweet baby boy- he’s a beautiful reminder that life moves forward! xoxo
Oh, I love you. And your Story. And your willingness to share both. That gives your Story life. <3
That makes me happier than I can ever say 🙂
Such a sweet and heart-warming post. I pray for your continuous healing and that others in similar situations may read this and find comfort in your beautiful words. Thank you for sharing.
This must be very hard for you to share, I can’t imagine the loss of a baby. I like that Story now has a name and I’m sure your baby is happy and healthy waiting to one day meet you. I lost my dad when I was 12 and like to think that I’ll one day see him again. I hope you get to meet Story.
I love that! So beautiful! I’ll have to name mine as well. I can’t wait to meet him or her someday! I know my mama is up there with that sweet child of mine, just having a blast.
I’m sure our little ones are playing together – at least it makes my heart happy to think so!
I’m so sorry for your loss and glad that you can find some peace in the beautiful name you chose. So wonderful that you can find joy even in your grief. Hugs and prayers go out to you. I have also nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award! https://www.mamamakingchanges.com/2013/01/the-versatile-blogger-award.html
Thanks so much Laura!
A beautiful and touching post, so happy that Story has a name. Thank you for sharing, so many women who have been in the same situation will love and appreciate this honest blog post.
Love you. Beautiful post.
Love you too 🙂
What a touching, honest and sweet post, Heather. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to write. Story is a beautiful name.
You are such a brave woman (much more than me) for sharing this with us. What a beautiful name you’ve chosen for your precious angel! You have found beauty in the pain and that, friend, is worth more than any earthly thing.
Xoxo, Iradis
What a beautiful post Heather. I can’t even begin to imagine the loss of a baby. Story is a beautiful name, and I’m sure he/she’s chillin’ with Jesus right now!