One Year Ago Today

One year ago today was the worst day, by far, of my entire short life.

One year ago today we found out that we had lost our first baby, the little one that we were planning so carefully for, the one that we loved so much that it felt like my heart would explode.  The baby that we had just called all of our friends and family about on New Year’s day – that baby was gone.

One year ago I never dreamed that my heart would ever mend (it hasn’t totally) or that I would ever want to try to have a baby again – who would want to love something so small and helpless only to have it ripped away from you without knowing it?  I thought, “There’s no way I could do that again…”

It’s one year later and honestly I still cry daily about the loss of that sweet baby.  It still breaks my heart, I am still healing, and there are times that I still wrestle (rather rudely at times) with God about the WHY WHY WHY of it all.  I’m still broken.

But when I think about the things that have happened in the past year I can’t help but remember that sweet baby, the one we loved so much and lost so quickly, has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible.  It taught me about overwhelming joy, love, excitement and hope.  It taught me about paralyzing pain, sadness, anger and distrust.  It brought me closer to my husband, our families, and our friends.  And it taught me that God, although there are times that I still struggle to understand the why, is sovereign, all-powerful, and most of all loving.  And if there’s anyone that I want watching over our baby other than myself or Nate, it’s Him.

One year ago we lost our first baby.  Almost exactly one year later we’re about to give birth to our second.  And I am completely and utterly thankful and proud and totally in love with them both.