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Heather's Dish

The Dish

One Year Ago Today

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One year ago today was the worst day, by far, of my entire short life.

One year ago today we found out that we had lost our first baby, the little one that we were planning so carefully for, the one that we loved so much that it felt like my heart would explode.  The baby that we had just called all of our friends and family about on New Year’s day – that baby was gone.

One year ago I never dreamed that my heart would ever mend (it hasn’t totally) or that I would ever want to try to have a baby again – who would want to love something so small and helpless only to have it ripped away from you without knowing it?  I thought, “There’s no way I could do that again…”

It’s one year later and honestly I still cry daily about the loss of that sweet baby.  It still breaks my heart, I am still healing, and there are times that I still wrestle (rather rudely at times) with God about the WHY WHY WHY of it all.  I’m still broken.

But when I think about the things that have happened in the past year I can’t help but remember that sweet baby, the one we loved so much and lost so quickly, has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible.  It taught me about overwhelming joy, love, excitement and hope.  It taught me about paralyzing pain, sadness, anger and distrust.  It brought me closer to my husband, our families, and our friends.  And it taught me that God, although there are times that I still struggle to understand the why, is sovereign, all-powerful, and most of all loving.  And if there’s anyone that I want watching over our baby other than myself or Nate, it’s Him.

One year ago we lost our first baby.  Almost exactly one year later we’re about to give birth to our second.  And I am completely and utterly thankful and proud and totally in love with them both.

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Comments

  1. Kim in MD says

    February 28, 2012 at 7:07 am

    Wow…what a sweet post, Heather. I was so sad for your loss last year, and I so happy for you now.

    Reply
  2. Ky G says

    February 26, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Oops I meant big not bug

    Reply
  3. Ky G says

    February 26, 2012 at 12:23 am

    Bug hugs! Bless you Heather! With my baby boy just being born 20 days ago…I can’t imagine!

    Reply
  4. Kathrine says

    February 25, 2012 at 3:29 am

    God bless you and your’s.

    Reply
  5. janetha says

    February 24, 2012 at 11:18 am

    <3

    Reply
  6. Kellie @ Blackboard Kitchen says

    February 24, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Heather! What a heartfelt post. One year ago your first baby and now, about to deliver your second little baby. He is going to have an amazing mother in you, my friend!

    Reply
  7. Whitney says

    February 24, 2012 at 7:22 am

    As someone who has experienced the same loss, I pray daily that I will also get to experience the same joy. Although the second will never replace the first, holding that precious baby will help bring the healing you need. Congratulations!!

    Reply
  8. Delishhh says

    February 23, 2012 at 9:57 pm

    Great post!

    Reply
  9. Laurie {Simply Scratch} says

    February 23, 2012 at 8:11 pm

    Oh my Heather. What a touching post…sending you hugs my friend!

    Reply
  10. Kirsten is Comfortably Domestic says

    February 23, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Oh, Heather. Such a horrific loss to experience. May you continue to heal and love both of your baby boys.

    Reply
  11. Urban Wife says

    February 23, 2012 at 7:13 pm

    You are not alone. What a blessing that now you will have a baby boy! God is indeed Sovereign.

    Reply

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