You guys, my heart is so heavy as I write this. Thankfully not because of a loss or some kind of sadness like that, but because I just realized that, yet again, I have been worshiping something other than God. Something that is good and beautiful, something that I am called to love and serve, something that fills all of my days with joy and laughter and happiness.
That is, someONE.
The other day I was sitting in the first gathering of moms at a huge Bible study our church has. I almost laughed to myself as the speaker for the day got up and started talking about not putting our kids before God – I mean really, what kind of Christian mom would I be if I put my son before God. NONSENSE! I could never do that.
And then, just yesterday through a string of events, I realized that is exactly what I’ve done. If Wes is sick or teething or tired, that means I’m a bad mom and a bad person. If he smiles and laughs and learns something new then LOOK OUT WORLD I’m rocking this life thing. And if he misbehaves or throws a tantrum or pouts? Well, then clearly I have some work to do on myself. Clearly.
But you guys, I laughed at the idea that I could be making Wes my god and that is EXACTLY what I’ve done. I’ve turned my little man, who truly is a joy and is a gift from the Lord in every way possible, into a golden calf in my life. I have made him the defining thing in my life, the measuring stick by which I measure my worth.
This precious boy was never made to fulfill me. He was never created to be the one who defines who I am. He will never be enough to fill my heart and soul with peace and joy and true happiness.
So here I go again on the journey to put God first – REALLY TRULY first – and let the gifts that he’s blessed me with fall in line behind him. I have to admit I’m taking it all really hard right now; turns out seeing your sin laid out in front of you in gaping and blatant ugliness isn’t such a fun ride. I’m just thankful for grace. So so thankful.