You guys, my heart is so heavy as I write this. Thankfully not because of a loss or some kind of sadness like that, but because I just realized that, yet again, I have been worshiping something other than God. Something that is good and beautiful, something that I am called to love and serve, something that fills all of my days with joy and laughter and happiness.
That is, someONE.
The other day I was sitting in the first gathering of moms at a huge Bible study our church has. I almost laughed to myself as the speaker for the day got up and started talking about not putting our kids before God – I mean really, what kind of Christian mom would I be if I put my son before God. NONSENSE! I could never do that.
And then, just yesterday through a string of events, I realized that is exactly what I’ve done. If Wes is sick or teething or tired, that means I’m a bad mom and a bad person. If he smiles and laughs and learns something new then LOOK OUT WORLD I’m rocking this life thing. And if he misbehaves or throws a tantrum or pouts? Well, then clearly I have some work to do on myself. Clearly.
But you guys, I laughed at the idea that I could be making Wes my god and that is EXACTLY what I’ve done. I’ve turned my little man, who truly is a joy and is a gift from the Lord in every way possible, into a golden calf in my life. I have made him the defining thing in my life, the measuring stick by which I measure my worth.
This precious boy was never made to fulfill me. He was never created to be the one who defines who I am. He will never be enough to fill my heart and soul with peace and joy and true happiness.
So here I go again on the journey to put God first – REALLY TRULY first – and let the gifts that he’s blessed me with fall in line behind him. I have to admit I’m taking it all really hard right now; turns out seeing your sin laid out in front of you in gaping and blatant ugliness isn’t such a fun ride. I’m just thankful for grace. So so thankful.
I really resonate with this, Heather, and feel that icky pang of guilt. Called conviction. Sometimes I’ll be in the store and my kids are acting out and I’m so embarrassed and know EVERYONE is looking at me. And it’s easy to feel like I’ve failed. Or when EC blurts out french I feel like I am ON top of it. Ugh. Man I needed to read this. Really, really, needed to read it.
Thank you, friend!
(I think a whole book could be written on this topic. Very controversial. But maybe so needed, eh?!)
Grace is amazing, indeed! Funny how having a little soul to raise and love brings out the best & worst in us. At least, that’s what I’ve discovered so far in my short time as a momma. Thank you for sharing your heart, even the hard parts.
Oh love, thankful for grace. You said it. It is so easy to let things, especially when those things are our beautiful babies, get ahead of Him. Thank you for your honesty.
i think it’s a hard but good reality to realize. And thank YOU for sharing. Idols so benign to the world. I easily let them slide. Grace is a beautiful thing.
Thanks for this reminder! I definitely have been struggling with letting my joy be defined by my 8 month daughter’s days. I always have a need to realize my sins and then bring them to the cross where grace abounds all the more!
oh Heather, wait till your wonderful child as a teenager, tells you she expects to be put first in your life. And the look on there face when you have to tell them that God comes first. Please don’t raise a child that thinks they are the center of your universe…. it is one of our biggest mistakes as parents that we do…. AND I’m guilty of it…AND it is SO hard to correct!