Yesterday, after spending the morning working through some conflict, I headed off to the grocery store, my head still spinning from conversation and my face still saturated with tears (I’m a crier…what can I say?). It’s not the conflict that was bringing so much havoc to my soul though – it was doubt. Not doubt that God exists; no, I know He does. But doubt that He is really here when I need him.
As I write this my head and my heart are in a much clearer place, but I know I’m not the only one who doubts what God’s intentions are with our lives. And when I am in the midst of frustration, sadness, anger and fear I need and want to know that, without a doubt, God is right there. I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes begging God to audibly speak to and comfort me, growing more and more frustrated that he wasn’t. I know and believe that he could, and at one point I literally said, “God, you’re supposed to be my Daddy. I need you to reach out and hold me, I need to feel your comfort, I need to hear you talk. WHERE ARE YOU?!” Still I felt and heard nothing, and collapsed into another round of tears.
Y’all, I’m not proud of the temper tantrums I throw at God on a daily basis. I know that I’m an unruly child approaching a holy, loving and patient Father with my (literal + figurative) tear-stained face, asking for all of the world and forgiveness too. I know I don’t deserve any of the blessings I have, any of the grace bestowed upon me, any of the gifts in my life. I deserve none of it, and yet I still beg for more. When I don’t get what I want, I doubt.
And still God loves me. He reveals himself in ways that may not be tangible, but are ultimately more beautiful and meaningful than anything tangible I could ever want. After I threw my fit and then prayed for forgiveness I looked up, eyes red and puffy. The fog that had engulfed the entire landscape all morning had lifted just slightly only to reveal these incredible trees right there in the parking lot where I was sitting. There’s no filter here – they really were that red.
God knew what I needed, right when I needed it. And while I will doubt again – that is inevitable – I will also believe more wholeheartedly as well because GOD IS FAITHFUL.
I love this article you got here. Lately, my emotions towards our Father has been more on gratitude amidst the pain. I suffered depression and I strongly believe that that incident made me learn so much about myself, my life and who I am in His eyes. After all those hardships, I became a strong woman, a good mother and a good wife. Although pain can be uncomfortable, as long as we wait on the pain to pass, we will come out as a victor.
I am amazed how you fluently expressed your feelings and how it made me wish that I can be one of those shoulders you can cry on. I will say a prayer for you and blessing to your hubby and Weston. ( I read your blog that is why I know your family .)
I really needed this. I’ve been going through a tough time personally, and my faith has been stretched in ways it never has been far. Sometimes I so desperately want a huge, visible expression of God. But I know He’s more likely to show Himself in quiet and stillness. If I can just stop yelling at Him long enough to hear it. 🙂
Girl, you are preaching to the choir. At least we can know we’re not alone in those struggles though!!!
Wow–what beautiful thoughts and what a beautiful picture. Hope all is well now.
This made my heart hurt for you, but I know exactly how you feel. I often times pray to hear God (and know for sure that it’s him). I get upset that he can’t talk to me. I want to hear him talk! I want to have conversations with him, but when I sit back and really listen I know what he’s saying. I know that I pour my worry at him, even though he constantly tells us, “Don’t worry. I got this.” And he does. Sometimes I just shake my head in amazement at all the times he has taken that worry away, without me even realizing it. And as many times that we disappoint him, yell at him, cry at him, through tantrums, wonder where he is at, get mad at him, he is always waiting with open arms when we are done. That is truly amazing. Big hugs to you!