Yesterday, after spending the morning working through some conflict, I headed off to the grocery store, my head still spinning from conversation and my face still saturated with tears (I’m a crier…what can I say?). It’s not the conflict that was bringing so much havoc to my soul though – it was doubt. Not doubt that God exists; no, I know He does. But doubt that He is really here when I need him.
As I write this my head and my heart are in a much clearer place, but I know I’m not the only one who doubts what God’s intentions are with our lives. And when I am in the midst of frustration, sadness, anger and fear I need and want to know that, without a doubt, God is right there. I literally sat in my car for 20 minutes begging God to audibly speak to and comfort me, growing more and more frustrated that he wasn’t. I know and believe that he could, and at one point I literally said, “God, you’re supposed to be my Daddy. I need you to reach out and hold me, I need to feel your comfort, I need to hear you talk. WHERE ARE YOU?!” Still I felt and heard nothing, and collapsed into another round of tears.
Y’all, I’m not proud of the temper tantrums I throw at God on a daily basis. I know that I’m an unruly child approaching a holy, loving and patient Father with my (literal + figurative) tear-stained face, asking for all of the world and forgiveness too. I know I don’t deserve any of the blessings I have, any of the grace bestowed upon me, any of the gifts in my life. I deserve none of it, and yet I still beg for more. When I don’t get what I want, I doubt.
And still God loves me. He reveals himself in ways that may not be tangible, but are ultimately more beautiful and meaningful than anything tangible I could ever want. After I threw my fit and then prayed for forgiveness I looked up, eyes red and puffy. The fog that had engulfed the entire landscape all morning had lifted just slightly only to reveal these incredible trees right there in the parking lot where I was sitting. There’s no filter here – they really were that red.
God knew what I needed, right when I needed it. And while I will doubt again – that is inevitable – I will also believe more wholeheartedly as well because GOD IS FAITHFUL.