It was the dead of winter, another ridiculous amount of snow on the ground and an air temperature that wouldn’t get above freezing for at least a few more weeks. I was stuck in a dead-end (for me) job where I loved the people I worked with, but hated the day-to-day mundane tasks. I was already sick from first trimester sickness, but felt worse than that. I knew something was wrong, and so shortly after arriving at work that morning I left to go home where I ended up spending all day in a hot bathtub just to try to stay warm.
I was sick. Sick with the flu and sick with worry about the health of my sweet baby. The only thing that took my mind off of the sick was sleeping and listening to music. I would set my Pandora to Glee radio and drift in and out of sleep, but inevitably always woke up to “Sh-boom” by The Crew Cuts. I don’t know why or how it happened, but every time I woke up and heard that song I couldn’t help but feel a little sunnier and happier. I remember rubbing my belly, wondering why it wasn’t growing yet, but hopeful and happy to share that song with my baby.
Two weeks later Story left us to go live with Jesus, and I unintentionally never heard “Sh-boom” again. Until yesterday.
I tend to get in a rut with my music, and lately have been obsessed with all things country. However, I just couldn’t find any song that I really wanted to listen to, and so I set my Pandora station to Glee radio again and suddenly my head was filled with that familiar song. I broke down, right here in the middle of our office, hunched over the keyboard and letting the tears just fall.
In the middle of the tears and the sadness Weston saw me from across the room and toddled over, touched my knees and lifted his arms for me to pull him up. I sat him in my lap and cried, and my normally wiggly little boy just sat and let me cry and hug him.
If Story had survived I wouldn’t have Weston here to completely light up our lives with his mischievous smile and incredibly tender heart. While I can never say I’m glad that we didn’t get to meet our first baby, I do know that God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. I still mourn the loss of that first sweet child, but I don’t think I could ever express just how much I love and am blessed by Weston. I am so thankful for him, for the chance to be his mother, for the chance to love him with everything I have and then some.
In “Sh-boom” there’s a line that says, “Life could be a dream, if only all my precious plans would come true,” and I’m reminded yet again that my plans aren’t the ones that matter. Only this time I’m seeing that life is already a dream even when those plans fail because every failed dream has led to a deeper relationship with Christ and, out of that, a renewed and deeper love for those around me. Story, I miss you dearly, but I am so thankful for your brother. And since I’m sure you two hung out in heaven before he came here, I think you know why. One day we’ll all be together, praising the Lord for all he is and all he’s done. And until then I’ll be praising the Lord because I had the chance to know you for that brief time we spent together. Your life inside of me made me a mother for the first time, and the love I have for you will continue to overflow onto all of your brothers and sisters.
Jesus, thank you for Story. Thank you for Weston. Thank you for children, for these incredible blessings, for the tender hearts and the wide eyes, for the mischief and the LIFE. And thank you for knowing what we need even when we (I) hate when it’s not exactly what I want. Thank you for the plans you have for us, and I just pray that I would be open to them knowing that you always want the best for me. Amen.