It was the dead of winter, another ridiculous amount of snow on the ground and an air temperature that wouldn’t get above freezing for at least a few more weeks. I was stuck in a dead-end (for me) job where I loved the people I worked with, but hated the day-to-day mundane tasks. I was already sick from first trimester sickness, but felt worse than that. I knew something was wrong, and so shortly after arriving at work that morning I left to go home where I ended up spending all day in a hot bathtub just to try to stay warm.
I was sick. Sick with the flu and sick with worry about the health of my sweet baby. The only thing that took my mind off of the sick was sleeping and listening to music. I would set my Pandora to Glee radio and drift in and out of sleep, but inevitably always woke up to “Sh-boom” by The Crew Cuts. I don’t know why or how it happened, but every time I woke up and heard that song I couldn’t help but feel a little sunnier and happier. I remember rubbing my belly, wondering why it wasn’t growing yet, but hopeful and happy to share that song with my baby.
Two weeks later Story left us to go live with Jesus, and I unintentionally never heard “Sh-boom” again. Until yesterday.
I tend to get in a rut with my music, and lately have been obsessed with all things country. However, I just couldn’t find any song that I really wanted to listen to, and so I set my Pandora station to Glee radio again and suddenly my head was filled with that familiar song. I broke down, right here in the middle of our office, hunched over the keyboard and letting the tears just fall.
In the middle of the tears and the sadness Weston saw me from across the room and toddled over, touched my knees and lifted his arms for me to pull him up. I sat him in my lap and cried, and my normally wiggly little boy just sat and let me cry and hug him.
If Story had survived I wouldn’t have Weston here to completely light up our lives with his mischievous smile and incredibly tender heart. While I can never say I’m glad that we didn’t get to meet our first baby, I do know that God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. I still mourn the loss of that first sweet child, but I don’t think I could ever express just how much I love and am blessed by Weston. I am so thankful for him, for the chance to be his mother, for the chance to love him with everything I have and then some.
In “Sh-boom” there’s a line that says, “Life could be a dream, if only all my precious plans would come true,” and I’m reminded yet again that my plans aren’t the ones that matter. Only this time I’m seeing that life is already a dream even when those plans fail because every failed dream has led to a deeper relationship with Christ and, out of that, a renewed and deeper love for those around me. Story, I miss you dearly, but I am so thankful for your brother. And since I’m sure you two hung out in heaven before he came here, I think you know why. One day we’ll all be together, praising the Lord for all he is and all he’s done. And until then I’ll be praising the Lord because I had the chance to know you for that brief time we spent together. Your life inside of me made me a mother for the first time, and the love I have for you will continue to overflow onto all of your brothers and sisters.
Jesus, thank you for Story. Thank you for Weston. Thank you for children, for these incredible blessings, for the tender hearts and the wide eyes, for the mischief and the LIFE. And thank you for knowing what we need even when we (I) hate when it’s not exactly what I want. Thank you for the plans you have for us, and I just pray that I would be open to them knowing that you always want the best for me. Amen.
Thanks for your awesome faith! Love, Mom
You & Daddy are a big reason I have it 🙂 Love you Mom!
I lost a baby when I was pregnant at the young age of 18. I say she, but I didn’t even know if my baby was a boy or girl. She would be 14 now. I still think about her. I still look at pictures of the time where I was pregnant. I still remember the feeling, but as you I have a wonderful 11 year old daughter, and I don’t know where my life would be if I had my baby 14 years ago. It’s okay to mourn the loss of your baby, and to cry when you need to. God does work in mysterious ways, and I have all the faith that whatever was meant to have happened, happened for his reason and has brought me to where I am today.
So true Kristi – thank you for sharing your story here too!
Thank you Heather! That was so sweet. I’ve been there too, and it was before all FOUR of my boys! I used to dream that I had a girl before I miscarried, so the boys think they’ll be meeting a big sister in heaven! 🙂
Beautiful post. Aloha
Oh, Heather. I’m sitting here sobbing. That was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your heart (and your Story) with us. God has and will continue to bless you, his faithful daughter, abundantly. xoxo.
Now you made me cry 🙂 Although admittedly it’s not hard to do that!
This is really beautiful. I’m so glad that God can move us forward and help us to become stronger through hardship. He turns our mourning into dancing!
So very true – I’m so thankful He redeems even the worst times of our lives!
I’m so sorry for your loss of your first child. Thank God for Weston. Hope you have a wonderful long life with your mom and dad.
Oh, this made me cry. I cannot imagine the hurt you’ve experienced, yet look at what an amazing journey you are traveling. I’m 15 weeks along with my first, and of course the fear & worry are there. Thank you for the sweet encouragement that all is in God’s hands. Story and Weston are so lucky to have you as their mom!
Thank you so much for your sweet words Kate! I know the worry will never go away, but I figure that’s just part of being a mommy in the first place 🙂
That’s so sweet Heather. I will admit I am not completely there yet. But I get closer to finding peace with the past daily as this baby grows inside me. I am still a nervous wreck but I am trying to find balance between happiness and worry. I hope one day to hold my baby in my arms and realize that everything that happened up to that point was for a good reason and worth it. I have no doubt I will feel that way one day but I just am not there today. 😉 I really look up to you and admire your strength. Hugs.
I 100% understand Kelly. I don’t know if I’ll ever just be OK with losing Story, but that love and loss is what led me to be a better mother for Weston; I could never be anything but thankful for that 🙂 Praying for you girl!
I just wanted to jump in and encourage you Kelly…I had a miscarriage first, and then four healthy boys. honestly, I always carried a bit of that anxiety throughout the pregnancies, and I am sure that is normal. Just do your best to keep the faith, and I’m sure you’ll do great. (Sorry, i don’t know your story so I’m not wanting to assume anything–but I hope you don’t mind my comment :))
Girl, of COURSE I don’t mind your comment! I love seeing encouraging stories like yours, and I know that you’ll have encouraged the heck out of someone else with it too 🙂