A couple weeks ago I posted a little something on Instagram that seemed to strike a chord with other work-at-home moms like myself. In actuality it stuck a chord, and maybe even a nerve, with myself.
See, I have a lot of issues, the largest of which is my constant desire to compare myself to others. This comparison trap has led to so many other things – disordered eating, anger, hopelessness, selfishness, overspending – but worst of all it has brought me many times to a place of under-loving. Under-loving myself, my family, my friends, my community, my God. It’s a vicious cycle that has turned soul-crushing on many occasions, and one that I hardly recognize until it gets to the point of sheer desperation.
I’m the queen of reading every single one of those “how to be a work at home mom and still rock at fitness/fashion/work/parenting/marriage/life!” posts. Perhaps it’s in hopes of discovering some unknown gem of information that will take me from frumpy and barely showering to Paris Fashion Week chic in 24 hours. Maybe it’s hopeful of finding the one time management skill or app that will double the amount of work I can get done in half the time. It might even be that I’m seeking permission to choose work over motherhood (or vice versa) because I just can’t do both equally at the same time.
But do you want to know the truth? The deep dark secret behind why I read those posts? It’s because I’m trying to see what the measure of a successful work-at-home mom is and I’m trying to beat it. I sit there and quietly compare myself, my work, and my family to the gal whose post I’m reading:
– Well, she only has one kid and I have two so a) she has no idea what it’s really like to parent and b) I’m doing more than her so HA!;
– She’s had 4 kids AND has a six-pack? I’m such a slob…;
– Homegirl is a true entrepreneur with a shop and kids and a book deal and she runs marathons? I’m such a complete loser;
– Who really dresses that cute and has time to homeschool, chase toddlers, work, and go on 5 date nights a week?
– Great, another woman whose children sleep 12 hours a night like clockwork so she can get 8 solid hours herself;
– Yes, I get it – waking up at 5am for an hour-long devotion and 12-mile run IS a great way to start the day. Note to self: find a way to force sleep on your kids so you can do the same;
– Another blogger who’s getting a free family vacation? Yes, I’m totally jealous. No, I have no idea how to score that same deal;
– SIGH. Maybe I should just give this all up. I can’t keep up with whether I washed my face or not; am I just kidding myself that I could do more with this platform?
It’s disheartening y’all, this jealousy and comparison trap that I let myself fall into sometimes. Even when I truly value another woman’s advice or perspective and feel like I could truly learn from her, at the end of it all I find that I have fallen short yet again. And here’s the thing: I’m not smug enough to think that I’m alone in that.
So gals? I know I am probably not one of those work-at-home moms who looks like she has it all together, but I want you to know these everyday truths about me. Because we’re not alone; we already ARE strong, smart, capable women without having a perfectly curated Madewell/Everlane/Anthropologie-worthy wardrobe or red-hot smoking bikini body.
– I’m an imperfect mom who spent most of this past Friday yelling at her kids and then crying about it.
– About twice a week I remember that I haven’t showered in a couple days and literally write down on my calendar that I need to take a shower.
– Speaking of calendars, I’ve tried every single calendar on the market to try and add more hours to my day. It hasn’t worked yet with any of them (so get the cheapest one you can find that you’ll enjoy using).
– I “dress up” once a week for church, which basically means I wear jeans and some sort of cute-ish top. Oh, and shoes.
– I tried to garden this year and basically failed with all the plants.
– I’m great at filling up my to-do list and even better at only checking off 2% of those things at the end of the day.
– I actually do workout almost every day, but it’s more of a sanity-keeper than seeking to get a great figure.
– About 50 times a day I panic about the fact that a) I haven’t posted anything on Instagram and b) that there’s nothing really Instagram-able going on in my life at that moment.
– Not a single thing in my wardrobe comes from Banana Republic, J.Crew, Madewell, Everlane, Anthropologie, or anywhere else that’s deemed trendy or awesome right now. Oh well.
– I have approximately 15 fantastic books that I’ve been dying to read and just haven’t yet on my nightstand as we speak.
– In that same vein, the only books I’ve read for the past week have been Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons and The Night Before Christmas. On repeat.
– I frequently download apps onto my phone and then delete them because learning how to use them isn’t worth the time or effort.
– Have I mentioned I’m a walking parenting fail? At least that’s what it feels like most of the time of most every day.
– I have about 10 different pitches to great companies in my Drafts folder that I haven’t sent because I’m either too scared or feel too lackluster to actually do it.
There are about a hundred more points I could make, but the reality is this: there is no such thing as a formula for doing it right other than lots and lots of grace. Grace for you, grace for me, grace for them. Realization that no one has ever or will ever have this thing called life figured out, save the One that created it.
If you’re looking for how to balance working at home and motherhood, my biggest piece of advice to stop looking side to side at the other gals doing it and look up first instead. Allowing God’s design for your life to take precedence over your desire to design your life after someone else’s. Seeing that you are perfectly equipped to do exactly the jobs that He’s given you to do, and make peace with the fact that it just will not look identical to anyone else’s. And then rejoice in the fact that a good and creative Father has something special in store for you, and that a big piece of that something special is those precious children you’ve been given.
Friends, we can’t do it all but we live in a world that tells us we can and we should. But I would urge you (and myself) to step back and embrace the blessings and imperfections and to LIVE. Not live so that you have more to share on Facebook or cooler pictures to post on Instagram. I’m talking LIVE so that you can enjoy this one wild and precious life you have, LIVE so that you can encourage your children to do the same.
As for me? This week I’m calling myself out in the comparison trap and then embracing the mess – no makeup, dirty hair, yoga pants and all. Amen.
I don’t comment much, but I do always read here and it’s because you write with such vulnerability that I find myself being envious of. The comparison trap is by far one of my biggest culprits of unhappiness. While I consider myself to be a fairly happy and grateful person on a daily basis, the comparison trap will take me by surprise if I let it sneak in. Most of the time, I don’t even realize that I’m comparing.
I’m not a stay or work at home mom (or even a mom!), but I work all.the.stinking time and this weekend while I was working yet another event that took up all my free time with my husband, I scrolled through Instagram, completely jealous of those who were with their families, doing fun holidays activities, not worrying about if their boss was going to text them again or send yet another email at 8pm. I know that this is just a season of my life that will pass at some point. Until then, I remind myself that everyone has their own struggles, which most often doesn’t make it to social media (I know mine certainly do not!). I get a lot of fulfillment out of my job (not to mention, benefits and a steady income) and I bet there are lot of people who cannot say that about their work, so I try to point my thoughts in that direction.
Another point of comparison for me is those who own nice homes. I live in one of the most expensive areas to buy in the entire country and my husband and I cannot afford of a home of our own, unless we had 2 million sitting around 😉 I love you Fixer Upper, but can you please come to California?
I keep trusting that the Lord had a greater plan than the one in my head!
I’m so glad this post helped you Maria! It’s hard to keep from comparing when our entire culture is basically built around that concept, right?!
Oh friend, I love the vulnerability and honesty you’ve shared with us in this post. I can relate to so many of the same things you’ve said, even if I don’t work from home. I can only imagine how much more pressure you’re under as a work-from-home momma. You are doing an amazing job, though. Know that and own it!
That lady with 4 kids, a thriving business, kid-free vacations and an enviable body/six pack? The woman with no kids and a seemingly carefree life filled with date nights and cool clothes? I’ve had to stop following them (and others) because I know the temptation to compare myself to them is just too much. It’s a heart issue on my part, all the way, and definitely a daily struggle to not compare myself and my life to theirs. Every single woman has their cross(es) to bear, even if it doesn’t seem that way to us.
Hugs to you.
I love your realness. It’s your authenticity among the inauthentic that truly sets you apart.
You are not alone and not compared to any one else you are awesome. If not, how could you have such awesome kids? Even without that to look to I read what you have written and I see someone who has or is trying as hard as she can to put her priorities in order. You are loved and admired so much–never forget that. And, yes, quit looking side to side. You are perfect the way you are. All those other things will fall into place one day before you know it. Your boys will be more independent, and you will have a little more time to deal with whatever comes your way including the time to shower;). Right now, you are dealing quite well, thank you!
Heather, I am SO guilty of the comparison trap. It is ugly and vicious and something I constantly have to fight against. Thank you for writing this. I really appreciate your honesty and definitely needed this reminder today.