I debated long and hard about whether or not to write this post, but decided that I wanted to have it recorded to one day share with our kids. I also decided that if it helps anyone, even one little bit, then it’s all worth it. So grab a cup of coffee (fully-caffeinated since I’m not drinking it right now…) and sit back! This one goes back a couple years…
When Nate and I were dating and engaged we talked about having children and decided that we both wanted to have a couple of kids but wait 5 years after marriage before trying to conceive. At that point in time we were going through the things that come with being newly married and trying to figure out things like careers and finances. I was on birth control – a very strict regimen of waking up and taking The Pill at exactly 6AM every day. The thought of even trying to conceive a child never crossed our minds and we were happy just being newlyweds with a cute little chocolate lab puppy.
When we moved out to Colorado I started feeling like I was tired of the birth control thing and, after talking to Nate about it, we decided that I was going to stop taking the pill and use alternative methods of protection instead. But you know what happened? The longer we were married the more I fell in love with my husband and the 5 year plan? Yeah…the 5 year plan went out the window for me. The thing with marriage though is that there are two people involved, and the 5 year plan was still something that Nate wanted to stick to. We argued and talked and discussed and finally came to the conclusion that we both had to be 100% on board before we ever started trying to have a baby. This was all about 2.5 years into our marriage and I’m sad to say that I harbored a lot of frustration and bitterness about Nate not bring on board with me on this one.
I remember it so clearly: one night I came home from getting my hair done and Nate was listening to Kenny Chesney’s “There Goes My Life.” If you haven’t heard the song before, go give it a listen, but it’s basically about a man’s life being changed by a child coming into the world…and his life changing for the good. We danced and cried and he told me that, even though we weren’t at 4 years of marriage just yet, he was ready to start trying if I was. I felt so torn and so excited and relieved…but even though I had gotten what I wanted I knew in my heart that it wasn’t the right time. So we decided again to wait a little longer.
Fast forward a few months and I came to grips with the changes that would befall my body, our marriage, and our life together. I told Nate I thought I was ready and was met with a big surprise: he’d realized that he wasn’t ready again. Talk about confused – I had just assumed that when I was ready we’d start trying. But yet again life had thrown me for a loop and we found ourselves back at square one.
Finally, around this time last year, Nate told me that he was ready. I was ready. So we started trying (aka stopped using protection) and I expected to get pregnant immediately. I mean, that’s what our bodies were made to do, right? When my first period came I was devastated. But we kept trying and January 1, 2011 we found out we were pregnant. We were so excited and I immediately began dreaming about who our child would be, how they would grow up, what we would teach them and who they would look like. I’ve shared it before, but a few short weeks later we found out that we lost the life of that baby. There are not words to describe the heartbreak that we felt – and still feel, but I am confident that God is redeeming me through it.
We started trying again in April and found out that we were pregnant again in June. The emotions that I felt were extremely high at the time – there was another major life event happening then – and on top of it I was starting in on the morning sickness again. To be honest after the miscarriage it was hard to have faith, and still is hard at times, that everything is healthy with this baby. And as time wears on I don’t get as scared about miscarriage or stillbirth, but I do get worried about things like SIDS and losing another baby. As I’ve said before, I am a mommy to those two babies – the one we’ve lost and the one in my belly right now – regardless. I just hope that I get to see him, hold him, and love him – and that I don’t have to say goodbye anytime in the next 80 years 🙂
It’s been a weird road, one that I never thought that I’d go down, and I’m thankful that it’s been so “easy” for us to get pregnant. The journey with my husband has made us stronger, the journey with God has made my relationship with Him stronger, and the journey within myself has made me stronger and has forced me to learn to trust my body more and more every day. And for all of that I am thankful.